Every so often, something that someone says or does hurts my feelings (I am sort of human, I do have feelings). A "first response" when I feel emotionally slapped is to slap back - harder, so they learn a lesson. This is all verbal, of course, not actual slapping ... but you know what I mean. I am not opposed to confrontation - some say I seem to enjoy it - but I do "vet"
myself before letting someone have it. Here is the series of questions I ask
myself (and answer truthfully) before saying anything about my hurt to someone:
I. Where does my hurt come from?
A. From the person.
1. Is s/he intentionally hurting me?
2. Is s/he aware they are hurting me?
3. Does s/he have other issues preventing an understanding of the depth of the hurt?
B. From the person's actions separate from
me.
1. Is s/he intentionally hurting me?
2. Is s/he aware they are hurting me?
3. Candidly, does s/he have a legitimate reason for
engaging in the conduct despite the fact that I am hurt?
II. What do I want to accomplish in confronting them?
A. Emotionally break him/her
B. Gain reconciliation him/her
With either of these goals, you may need the support and guidance of a help group or professional.
III. Could confrontation rationally bring about that goal?
Generally .. if "no," analysis ends, I reassess
my goal, or I look for resources to get to my goal.
If "yes," make a plan! Leading to:
IV. What specific action can I take to meet my goal (which
may include direct confrontation, or may not)?
For me, the answer is usually
ReplyDeleteI. Where does my hurt come from?
C. a state of my own personality that I ...
1. Have not accessed before
2. Have accessed before but not explored
3. A deep rooted value system (good or bad) formed by your experiences till this moment
In the end, I try to look for a quality outcome. The solution to most conflicts lie within the problem, not the people. I find your multiple choice self-questionnaire misleading from finding a quality solution since they appear to evaluate people, not their ideas. I find your list short-sighted.
"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” —Eleanor Roosevelt
I agree that this list is not reflective of an analysis of where hurt comes from. I ask these questions only after determining the hurt has been caused or helped along by another. It is a different question than why I am hurt (and I like your input for that analysis). I should have been more clear about my intended scope. Truthfully, compared to E. Roosevelt, I likely am small minded - she is a favorite!
DeleteI agree that this list is not reflective of an analysis of where hurt comes from. I ask these questions only after determining the hurt has been caused or helped along by another. It is a different question than why I am hurt (and I like your input for that analysis). I should have been more clear about my intended scope. Truthfully, compared to E. Roosevelt, I likely am small minded - she is a favorite!
DeleteIn the excitement of it all, I almost forgot to commend you on having feelings in the first place!
ReplyDeleteMoreover, you are discussing ideas here, not people or events...so you fall under the 'Great Minds' category in my book...and Eleanor Roosevelt's!