He was an acquaintance and a friend. I met him six months ago and since then every month or two we would grab a bite or just swap silly memes. He was a military veteran, a devoted dog-owner, and a loving son, sibling, and uncle.
And he was sad. Not just any sad - the deep sad. The sad that someone carries around and that defines their world in ways people who don't have deep sad do not understand and often cannot recognize.
We often talked about the sad, and how he was doing. He was at war with the sad. He was still bargaining with it. He tried to be happy, or at least appear so. Sometimes he felt he was winning the war, other times, not.
We saw a movie last Friday night. It seemed something had changed ... as though he had accepted the sad - had decided that there was no way for him to be, except sad.
On Wednesday he ended his own life.
I do not have any platitude and I seek no sympathy. I just wanted to write about my friend and his deep sad.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Referring back: Relationships, deep or wide?
This is a first for me ... referring back to a post as though someone may actually have read it and then may read this.
At this stage in my life, I am evaluative (possibly overly so) of every relationship I have. I am careful with my time and even more careful with my heart. I've been broken and am still putting pieces together ... but while I do that, I am still a thinker and I've been thinking a lot about relationships.
In a post from 2011, I asked what builds or kills relationships. I posited that in today's modern society, time and distance are not super relevant to whether a relationship - of any kind - could work and be healthy. Since then I've had a lot of the good and bad of life happen, so I want to readdress the question.
At this stage in my life, I am evaluative (possibly overly so) of every relationship I have. I am careful with my time and even more careful with my heart. I've been broken and am still putting pieces together ... but while I do that, I am still a thinker and I've been thinking a lot about relationships.
In a post from 2011, I asked what builds or kills relationships. I posited that in today's modern society, time and distance are not super relevant to whether a relationship - of any kind - could work and be healthy. Since then I've had a lot of the good and bad of life happen, so I want to readdress the question.
First, I think that distance matters. Absolutely. It takes much more diligent effort to engage with someone who is far away or not in my immediate circle than with someone who is naturally "there." Also, if loved ones are in a place unreached by modern technology, then yes, again, interaction is much more difficult and/or costly, therefore likely less frequent.
But, some relationships are worth the effort. If a relationship, again, of any kind (familial, friendly, or romantic), is one that a person wants to keep - or even more, wants to grow or develop - the person will make the time, give the energy, create the space for that relationship to flourish.
And if it's not, we don't.
But, some relationships are worth the effort. If a relationship, again, of any kind (familial, friendly, or romantic), is one that a person wants to keep - or even more, wants to grow or develop - the person will make the time, give the energy, create the space for that relationship to flourish.
And if it's not, we don't.
The question I posed in 2011 is still rattling around my head: what makes a person or relationship worth the effort? As I've thought about this ... Yes for four years, I come to the conclusion that I could have just said at the beginning: the criteria are different for everyone.
For me, what makes a relationship worth the effort is the connection with the other person - shared trust, mutuality, love, and respect. If I have real connection with someone, I don't care if they are near or far, I will find the time and space to relate with them in whatever capacity and to the level they are willing and we are both available. The hard part is identifying, before and while investing, where those shared levels of trust, mutuality, love, and respect are ... while also identifying what the other person's connection points are ... all while actually relating, not standing back analyzing what could be as opposed to what simply is.
Not a victim
This year I have become sensitive to the notion of victimization. I was listening to a morning news talk show the other day and heard the anchor/host describe a group of people who have been affected by some negative circumstance. I don't recall what the circumstance was, but what I noticed is that the anchor referred to these individuals as 'victims'. The thought I had in that instant was "these are not victims, these are survivors."
Instances of "victim" classification like this have struck me as devaluing the human capacity to survive and thrive in difficult circumstances and through challenging experiences. I would love to empower my friends, family, and society to cling to the notion that the label of "victim" fails to account for three basic truths: first, things happen; second, those things that happen don't define you; third, you define you.
Things happen. People experience them. People have both physical and emotional responses to those things. Sometimes people act heinously at and upon each other. This is deplorable and I empathize with people who have endured much at the hands of others. However, here is my perspective on this ... Whether it is a personal matter like a car breaking down, illness or abuse, or a community or even national matter like corporate shift or acts of terror, these things are not directed at the core human being who is me - or anyone else. They may be acts by another person or by the laws of physics that I happened to be in the way of. Or they may be intended to manipulate someone physically removed from the situation. It is often difficult to figure out why a certain chain of events occurred, or what a person's motives may have been in harming another, but I want to start by acknowledging that horribly painful things do happen.
The part that is more difficult to accept is that those painful things that happen do not define me. I have heard it said that someone was a victim of their circumstance. This can be sort of true ... the position that someone is in may be nigh unchangeable from a logistics, power, relational, or personal perspective. But I am struck by the level of non-choice that comes with the "victim" mindset. Comments like "x happened to her," or "He can't help y behavior" feed a wrong understanding of how much we, as people, have both power and responsibility for our paths. To be defined as a 'victim' of any circumstance is to declare the person as having no rightful place or power in the situation which, if extrapolated out, speaks to a lack of power overall.
But, as people, we have all kinds of power to define ourselves. It take real work, but it is worth it. It requires understanding and accepting myself and knowing my potential. When I choose to evaluate myself and my societal contribution, when I actively look for ways to repay evil for good, when I give my feelings healthy stimuli and outlets ... these are ways I choose my definition. When I see myself responding poorly to a situation and I proactively either remove myself or change my thinking, I am defining myself. I posit that every person and community has both the privilege and responsibility to define itself. We are not victims of circumstance or others' deplorable actions. We are survivors, individuals, and people whose definition is our own.
quiet period
This blog has gone through periods of use and non-use. I maintained this writing space throughout my three years in law school, then set it aside during the 2 years that followed, during which Life in the Hoodie was my writing home. Now picking up again, I hope you have enjoyed the read, and continue to. More to come.
a look back
My time in law school has come to an end. I was mentored by and became friends with some of the best people I will ever know. I am thankful for the learning opportunities through internships, clerkships, and volunteer activities that spurred me on to learn as much as I could. Also, I cannot say enough about my professors and advisers for their relentless dedication to diligent representation of their clients and the learning environment they created for me and my classmates. I have the utmost respect for them. The basic truth - law school is hard. It is unlike any other singular life experience that I can imagine. It stretched and molded me in ways - good and bad - that will stay with me for the rest of my life. In addition to learning the law, I learned some important truths, which I share now with you:
- It takes time to create big messes, and it takes time to resolve those messes.
- Sometimes "wait" is the best response.
- Attack big problems by breaking them into manageable pieces.
- Be honest with yourself, and everyone else.
- When anyone else is speaking, be quiet and listen.
- Read the instructions.
- Motives do matter. Question them.
- No one - and especially judges - will care what you think until they know that your opinion matters.
- Don't burn bridges. Even the ones you think you will never cross again.
- Never lie. It's not worth it.
- Work hard. If your job seems "easy," you're probably missing an opportunity to do something important.
- "Having" time and "making" time are two different things.
- Learn about your audience before deciding what it needs to hear.
- Be nice.
- Think ahead.
- Waiting until the "last minute" is rarely a good idea.
- Think before you speak. Always.
- Few people care about what you did last night. Or what you ate for lunch.
- Vision is good, but the details are what will kill you.
- Know the rules. Cold.
- Be friendly to everyone.
- Know yourself.
Thank you for reading ...
Question Series: Hurt
Every so often, something that someone says or does hurts my feelings (I am sort of human, I do have feelings). A "first response" when I feel emotionally slapped is to slap back - harder, so they learn a lesson. This is all verbal, of course, not actual slapping ... but you know what I mean. I am not opposed to confrontation - some say I seem to enjoy it - but I do "vet"
myself before letting someone have it. Here is the series of questions I ask
myself (and answer truthfully) before saying anything about my hurt to someone:
I. Where does my hurt come from?
A. From the person.
1. Is s/he intentionally hurting me?
2. Is s/he aware they are hurting me?
3. Does s/he have other issues preventing an understanding of the depth of the hurt?
B. From the person's actions separate from
me.
1. Is s/he intentionally hurting me?
2. Is s/he aware they are hurting me?
3. Candidly, does s/he have a legitimate reason for
engaging in the conduct despite the fact that I am hurt?
II. What do I want to accomplish in confronting them?
A. Emotionally break him/her
B. Gain reconciliation him/her
With either of these goals, you may need the support and guidance of a help group or professional.
III. Could confrontation rationally bring about that goal?
Generally .. if "no," analysis ends, I reassess
my goal, or I look for resources to get to my goal.
If "yes," make a plan! Leading to:
IV. What specific action can I take to meet my goal (which
may include direct confrontation, or may not)?
meet you at the punch bowl
Have you ever been to a party where everyone else seems to know several people there, but you know only the person you came with, or the host of the event? What an awkward time that is. Oh, sure, you try to make conversation with people you meet at the punch bowl, but that rarely amounts to more than a name-exchange. Then you're left, standing on the sidelines or hunched over your table, alone.
Why do I bring up these awkward, lonely moments?
Because I feel like I am perpetually in one.
18 months ago I stepped into a world I knew pitifully little about. I met 80 classmates (a.k.a. "peers" or "rivals"). I became immersed in this world of law school, tracking days by what I needed to do before the ever elusive "tomorrow," reading and/or writing nearly constantly, taking increasingly brief breaks to eat or sleep.
At first, I felt alone in that world. But everyone else there was just as alone as I was, so I had some solace in the indirect camaraderie.
Now; however, I feel lost in a different space. I'll generalize it to "anywhere that is not related to law school." That looks even worse in print than it sounded in my mind ... but let me explain.
At some point during my first year, the movement of time outside of my class schedule turned into a grey haze. I have no idea what is on television each day, or what shows are on the air. I read a couple fiction books last year, but I don't remember their plot, or most of the characters' names. I happen to know it is an election year, but not much beyond that. I imagine performers still come to my city and put on concerts, etc., but I don't know who, when, where, or why I would want to go.
While this ancillary knowledge has fallen by the wayside, I have attempted to maintain decent contact with the "real people" in my life.
I have a small list of family members and friends I make every attempt to talk with at least once a week. But, this isn't ideal ... I am also "friends" with people who live within 15 minutes of my house with whom I may interact once in three months (if that). I try to stay in the know on life events, interests, etc. of my closest family members; but I have several I could say little about beyond their name. And I don't even know most of my in-laws' names ...
I often feel like the lonely person in a crowded room ... lonely because I am so focused on a single set of goals that I have little to offer anyone in the room, so I make only slight advances on their time and space. And the room is crowded .. with bustling movement of everyone else tending to their lives.
I think, however, many of the other people bustling about the room feel the same way that I do. Like me, they are standing on the sidelines or hunched over tables, busy about the business of life. And, what is sad is that many, who are in the same space feel alone.
But, I will put this forward: We feel alone, not because we are, but because we are not interacting with each other.
The next time I meet someone at the proverbial punch bowl, I will offer more than a half-hearted nod and my name. Maybe I won't walk away alone. And, maybe, neither will they.
Why do I bring up these awkward, lonely moments?
Because I feel like I am perpetually in one.
18 months ago I stepped into a world I knew pitifully little about. I met 80 classmates (a.k.a. "peers" or "rivals"). I became immersed in this world of law school, tracking days by what I needed to do before the ever elusive "tomorrow," reading and/or writing nearly constantly, taking increasingly brief breaks to eat or sleep.
At first, I felt alone in that world. But everyone else there was just as alone as I was, so I had some solace in the indirect camaraderie.
Now; however, I feel lost in a different space. I'll generalize it to "anywhere that is not related to law school." That looks even worse in print than it sounded in my mind ... but let me explain.
At some point during my first year, the movement of time outside of my class schedule turned into a grey haze. I have no idea what is on television each day, or what shows are on the air. I read a couple fiction books last year, but I don't remember their plot, or most of the characters' names. I happen to know it is an election year, but not much beyond that. I imagine performers still come to my city and put on concerts, etc., but I don't know who, when, where, or why I would want to go.
While this ancillary knowledge has fallen by the wayside, I have attempted to maintain decent contact with the "real people" in my life.
I have a small list of family members and friends I make every attempt to talk with at least once a week. But, this isn't ideal ... I am also "friends" with people who live within 15 minutes of my house with whom I may interact once in three months (if that). I try to stay in the know on life events, interests, etc. of my closest family members; but I have several I could say little about beyond their name. And I don't even know most of my in-laws' names ...
I often feel like the lonely person in a crowded room ... lonely because I am so focused on a single set of goals that I have little to offer anyone in the room, so I make only slight advances on their time and space. And the room is crowded .. with bustling movement of everyone else tending to their lives.
I think, however, many of the other people bustling about the room feel the same way that I do. Like me, they are standing on the sidelines or hunched over tables, busy about the business of life. And, what is sad is that many, who are in the same space feel alone.
But, I will put this forward: We feel alone, not because we are, but because we are not interacting with each other.
The next time I meet someone at the proverbial punch bowl, I will offer more than a half-hearted nod and my name. Maybe I won't walk away alone. And, maybe, neither will they.
a little common courtesy, please
In the 1990s, a show called Full House kept kids like me entertained in the afternoons. Each 30-minute episode involved some caper that taught a life-skill or moral lesson.
My favorite character was the middle child, Stephanie, because of her direct commentary on the world around her. A regular observation was "how rude" - usually in response to someone's action (or inaction) that caused her to feel left out, overlooked, or tromped on.
In honor of Stephanie, and her no-nonsense approach to surveying her surroundings, I offer the following courtesy requests:
On elevators ... We are all in a hurry. Few, if any, people enter an elevator without a specific end-point in mind. This does not relieve you of some responsibility to 1) identify whether the elevator you enter is going in a direction the coincides with your needs before entering it, 2) diligently try to not step on people as you enter or exit the box, 3) pretend to be aware of some level of personal space within the box - your personal space includes a bubble around any bag(s) or child(ren) you may be carrying, and 4) when you exit, refrain from gabbing about other passengers' smell, attire, or personal life ... at least until you are out of their hearing.
On hallways ... generally speaking, many people apply road-rules to hall travel. Walk on the right. Give some indication that you are stopping (such as slowing down) before halting abruptly in a crowded thoroughfare. Move out of the way if you need to take a call, talk with a person, address a map or guide, or ponder the issues of the world.
On interactions ... It is not appropriate to be sugar-sweet to everyone all the time - especially if its fake. It's bizarre to interact with someone who is ridiculously sweet one day, and a monster the next. Even if your "average" is a little more 'monster' than you'd like, at least try to be consistent.
All I want to say with this brief look at common courtesy is that, amazingly, small tweaks in behavior create spans of difference in the receiver's perceptions and response. It is usually just as easy to be kind, or minimally considerate, as it is to be harsh.
If you've got more instances of "how rude" moments, or anything else you'd like to share, leave a comment :)
My favorite character was the middle child, Stephanie, because of her direct commentary on the world around her. A regular observation was "how rude" - usually in response to someone's action (or inaction) that caused her to feel left out, overlooked, or tromped on.
In honor of Stephanie, and her no-nonsense approach to surveying her surroundings, I offer the following courtesy requests:
On elevators ... We are all in a hurry. Few, if any, people enter an elevator without a specific end-point in mind. This does not relieve you of some responsibility to 1) identify whether the elevator you enter is going in a direction the coincides with your needs before entering it, 2) diligently try to not step on people as you enter or exit the box, 3) pretend to be aware of some level of personal space within the box - your personal space includes a bubble around any bag(s) or child(ren) you may be carrying, and 4) when you exit, refrain from gabbing about other passengers' smell, attire, or personal life ... at least until you are out of their hearing.
On hallways ... generally speaking, many people apply road-rules to hall travel. Walk on the right. Give some indication that you are stopping (such as slowing down) before halting abruptly in a crowded thoroughfare. Move out of the way if you need to take a call, talk with a person, address a map or guide, or ponder the issues of the world.
On interactions ... It is not appropriate to be sugar-sweet to everyone all the time - especially if its fake. It's bizarre to interact with someone who is ridiculously sweet one day, and a monster the next. Even if your "average" is a little more 'monster' than you'd like, at least try to be consistent.
All I want to say with this brief look at common courtesy is that, amazingly, small tweaks in behavior create spans of difference in the receiver's perceptions and response. It is usually just as easy to be kind, or minimally considerate, as it is to be harsh.
If you've got more instances of "how rude" moments, or anything else you'd like to share, leave a comment :)
relationships: deep or wide?
Lately, I have been pondering relationships (of all kinds) - thinking through what makes relationships strong or deep and what limitations create weak relationships; how do long-lasting relationships remain through the changes in life and why are some relationships cut short?
Though it is harsh to say, I reject time and distance as relationship limiters. Modern technologies allow for the free and instantaneous communication of ideas, emotions, plans, and desires. The "pen pal" has long been a method of building and maintaining relationships of respect and shared interest. To say that relationships are not convenient is a misstatement in a world where a GPS in a "smart phone" not only tracks which coffee shop a person frequents, but also sends communication to their mass of contacts saying they've "checked-in."
It is easy to blithely say "relationships come and go;" but this is untrue. The affect is deep and long lasting when two people who once related (either in a friendship or a romance) no longer speak - or so infrequently speak that any attempt is stilted. Equally impactful is the happiness that comes with the realization that a friendship born of convenience transitions with change to a meaningful mutual sharing that transcends momentary status.
I have no expertise analyzing or commenting on relationships. But I have a lot of them - of various strengths, durations, and premises. I work at creating and maintaining them. I mourn (pitifully so) when I realize a relationship I had is either more weak than I previously thought, or, worse, when a relationship I enjoyed the benefits of dies.
And so, I wonder - what makes relationships work? What kills them? How do we (primarily subconsciously, I guess) decide which relationships are worth building and which are not?
Though it is harsh to say, I reject time and distance as relationship limiters. Modern technologies allow for the free and instantaneous communication of ideas, emotions, plans, and desires. The "pen pal" has long been a method of building and maintaining relationships of respect and shared interest. To say that relationships are not convenient is a misstatement in a world where a GPS in a "smart phone" not only tracks which coffee shop a person frequents, but also sends communication to their mass of contacts saying they've "checked-in."
It is easy to blithely say "relationships come and go;" but this is untrue. The affect is deep and long lasting when two people who once related (either in a friendship or a romance) no longer speak - or so infrequently speak that any attempt is stilted. Equally impactful is the happiness that comes with the realization that a friendship born of convenience transitions with change to a meaningful mutual sharing that transcends momentary status.
I have no expertise analyzing or commenting on relationships. But I have a lot of them - of various strengths, durations, and premises. I work at creating and maintaining them. I mourn (pitifully so) when I realize a relationship I had is either more weak than I previously thought, or, worse, when a relationship I enjoyed the benefits of dies.
And so, I wonder - what makes relationships work? What kills them? How do we (primarily subconsciously, I guess) decide which relationships are worth building and which are not?
people who need people
Just before my first semester began, people around me suggested I do a lot of my favorite things (fun activities, eat foods, see people) before school began under the misconception that while "in law school" I would have no time, energy, etc. for the outside world.
I came to realize around week 5 of my first term that, for me, this thinking was backwards. I needed those external things: those interactions with friends and family that "stole time" away from my studies, those comfort foods that reminded me of childhood, the mindless fun activities (like people watching at a local park) to relax my mind.
The sad part was, I had said a formal farewell to so much of it, I had a difficult time re-engaging with the external life I needed so badly. And, by the time I realized I was truly lonely, it was a desperate loneliness that just made me want to cry.
So, why do I write this?
For anyone who has felt this way - or who has the potential to feel this way by making assumptions (untrue assumptions) about how life "must" look. Just because law school changes you, if you have friends, keep them close. If you have a hobby, keep it up. If you have an organization you love volunteering with, keep volunteering.
Bringing a new lawyer into the world does not mean that the person who once existed dies - but the law student is the only one who can keep him or her alive.
I came to realize around week 5 of my first term that, for me, this thinking was backwards. I needed those external things: those interactions with friends and family that "stole time" away from my studies, those comfort foods that reminded me of childhood, the mindless fun activities (like people watching at a local park) to relax my mind.
The sad part was, I had said a formal farewell to so much of it, I had a difficult time re-engaging with the external life I needed so badly. And, by the time I realized I was truly lonely, it was a desperate loneliness that just made me want to cry.
So, why do I write this?
For anyone who has felt this way - or who has the potential to feel this way by making assumptions (untrue assumptions) about how life "must" look. Just because law school changes you, if you have friends, keep them close. If you have a hobby, keep it up. If you have an organization you love volunteering with, keep volunteering.
Bringing a new lawyer into the world does not mean that the person who once existed dies - but the law student is the only one who can keep him or her alive.
what's the point of all this?
I recently started law school and spent my first semester fumbling through writing my first case briefs, taking three hour exams, and endless hours of reading and research. In many ways it was harder than I thought it could be, and in other ways it was a fantastic time of self realization, mental gymnastics of sorts.
I appreciated the time spent with classmates, those who understood concepts better than I for pulling me forward, and those who would insist on reviewing key concepts again to ensure it "stuck". Interacting with professors is both stimulating and challenging. I took away a lot from every conversation with them.
For the spring semester and beyond, I am looking forward to implementing some learning concepts I fully grasped only at the end of my last term. I've learned how I learn, now to put it into practice.
I appreciated the time spent with classmates, those who understood concepts better than I for pulling me forward, and those who would insist on reviewing key concepts again to ensure it "stuck". Interacting with professors is both stimulating and challenging. I took away a lot from every conversation with them.
For the spring semester and beyond, I am looking forward to implementing some learning concepts I fully grasped only at the end of my last term. I've learned how I learn, now to put it into practice.
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