Every year, September 1 to December 31 I grieve the past. 7 years after the period that launched this grief cycle I am still in it. And it’s exhausting.
The crappy part is that I don’t know exactly what I’m grieving. Because I don’t remember the period of time.
If you know me at all, read that last sentence again. I am known for my memory. I remember things.
But not September to December 2014. It’s buried in a mist of shrouded mind space that my brain continues to keep from me.
The only part I have access to is the emotion. And there are 2: palpable loneliness and deep sad.
I have a therapist. Counseling continues to help. Every year is a little better. At this point, I stay functional (too functional, I bury myself in work), and I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. I distract myself with projects - all of my holiday shopping gets done super early. I tend to walk a lot.
But I grieve. I have trouble sleeping. I cry … a lot. Nearly every day. In case you’re wondering, this is an improvement. And sometimes I forget to eat - not for good, just for long enough that I feel a pang of hunger as a headache onsets.
As I have for the last 6 recurring cycles, I will get through these days. But it’s hard and I spend an awful lot of time alone.
So if you read this between September and December, remind me to eat. Invite me for a walk. Ask me questions if you want. Give me a hug. I will look terrified, but it’s not you that I’m afraid of.
New Years Eve is my breakthrough day and I celebrate it every year. I’m counting down and hoping for the best.
I’ll get there. Just gotta remember to eat.
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