Christmas Happy

I have always loved Christmas for its merriment, gift giving, childlike wonder, and traditions. At this time of year strangers become friends, and friends become family. The idea that people the world over celebrate each other at Christmas is extraordinary. When I feel that celebration, I become unabandonedly excited and happy. I call this Christmas Happy, and I love it.

Because I use this space to be honest and open, with the celebration of Christmas Happy I also want to give voice to Christmas hurts. 

I - and many others - struggle because, at some point, our Christmas spirit was broken. My Christmas spirit was broken in 2014, along with virtually all of my constructs. 

It is said that time heals, and that is true. With time, counseling, and life change, I have rebuilt the rest of me. My healing process has required me to do things that are familiar, yet now feel foreign.

Refinding Christmas Happy is the same, but since Christmas happens only once per year, the opportunity for working through the processing of that healing also happens only annually. 

For the 2 years that followed my spirit being broken, the thought of Christmas brought raw pain, searing into my core and reminding me of the loss I experienced. I mechanically went to Christmas shows and met up with friends, but emotionally I was shut down. 

In 2017, I was healed enough to start rebuilding my Christmas Happy. I exchanged gifts with a couple of people for the first time in years - and I had a small birch tree that initially I told myself was for general decor, then I slowly decorated for the holiday. From any external view, it was pitiable, but for me it was the opening of the Christmas chapter in the new book of Amy. 

This year I have continued to write that chapter. I have sought out public and group Christmastime gatherings - parties, holiday movies, and gingerbread houses. I also have taken the initiative to send holiday greetings and give gifts. I can feel myself start to return to some sense of normalized enjoyment of this time of year.  I have had actual moments of Christmas Happy — and though they have been couched in a series of sad recollections and quite a few tears, I will cherish that I can still have that feeling that I haven’t felt since at least 2013.

Putting myself in safe but accountable spaces to be both festive and frightened has reignited my sense of community and belonging. Though I still feel pangs of sadness, regret, and self-doubt, along with those pangs I have hope of being better.  I am a long way from unabandoned enjoyment of Christmas, but I long for it and I think it may be possible.  

So, from a place of knowing hurt and loneliness, I wish all Christmas Happy - with wistful hope of the peace and joy of this season brings.