2019 and I

Near the end of every year, I have a time of personal self reflection and goal setting. It is a definitively honest time for my own self improvement and I love myself for it. As I’ve started to think and feel through this year, here are some highlights —

Tl; Dr - I’m doing well. Really. 

The year started with some unexpected workplace shifts. I had never left a job without another one lined up, but 2019 was the year I did. I had a month of downtime, then was picked up by a management consulting firm where I spent 3 months at 99% work travel. The schedule was packed and the work challenging, but the unexpected part was the level of emotional impact. 

Being completely alone was like living in a personal emotional incubator. Every piece of leftover emotional junk ... from my entire life ... came to the surface during endless hours in planes and cars. 

And, no surprise, I decided to address all of it. I called on advisors, confidants, and friends to sort through deep hurts and joys. Cherished friends and family made it their business to ask - sometimes pointedly - about sleep, food, exercise, etc. The utter exhaustion I felt at the end of that time is inexplicable, but I would never have explored and worked through so much except that I had that time and space to do so. 

I was just at the point of feeling that what I needed to learn during the transition phase had come into place when I was given a great next step. I got a message from a recruiter looking for a candidate who sounded an awful lot like me to take a position localized to my home base. Knowing the high pressure recruiters face to identify candidates (even if nothing more happens), I agreed to a conversation. It went ... way better than expected. I landed in super new job just in time for several pre-scheduled personal travel weekends. 

With all of that, the 6 months between May and November are a blur full of excellent memories. I’m glad to say potential burnout points were seen and handled to keep me from completely collapsing. 

One part of me that I like is that I push myself, but then then I give myself recovery space. The last 2 months of 2019 are *completely travel free* except for Thanksgiving with family and only 4 days at New Year. It will be a good time to reset my home life and reconnect with people. 

Of course, the result of being away more than home is that I’m still finding my way around this place I moved to last August. I am figuring out what kind and how much energy to give different groups. I have connected with individuals, but not to a particular set of people. Maybe that’s what a healthy adult life is. 

I am coming up to 5 years post-divorce and I’ve written a bit about that journey separately so I won’t rehash it here, but a new (big for me) thing this year is that I actually feel emotionally healthy enough for new relationship/connection. I will say that I am not fond of the small talk involved with dating strangers so I’m hoping for someone in similar life space, into similar things, and who thinks I’m cute. If I never have it, I’ll be okay, but now I am healthy enough to know I would be able to appreciate and enjoy it, and open enough to hope for it. For me, actually getting to this level of potential for hope is a big step.

So, yeah! There’s me in 2019 - at least the highlights. Thanks for reading!!!