Please eat

It’s been a long while since I published here and overall I am well, but right now I am struggling.  I forgot to eat a couple days this week … and last week too.  I need to write this down so I process it. 

Every year, September 1 to December 31 I grieve the past.  7 years after the period that launched this grief cycle I am still in it.   And it’s exhausting. 

The crappy part is that I don’t know exactly what I’m grieving.  Because I don’t remember the period of time.  

If you know me at all, read that last sentence again. I am known for my memory.  I remember things. 

But not September to December 2014.  It’s buried in a mist of shrouded mind space that my brain continues to keep from me. 

The only part I have access to is the emotion.  And there are 2:  palpable loneliness and deep sad.

I have a therapist.  Counseling continues to help.  Every year is a little better.  At this point, I stay functional (too functional, I bury myself in work), and I am not a danger to myself or anyone else. I distract myself with projects - all of my holiday shopping gets done super early.  I tend to walk a lot. 

But I grieve.  I have trouble sleeping.  I cry … a lot.  Nearly every day.  In case you’re wondering, this is an improvement.  And sometimes I forget to eat - not for good, just for long enough that I feel a pang of hunger as a headache onsets. 

As I have for the last 6 recurring cycles, I will get through these days.  But it’s hard and I spend an awful lot of time alone.

So if you read this between September and December, remind me to eat.  Invite me for a walk.  Ask me questions if you want.  Give me a hug.  I will look terrified, but it’s not you that I’m afraid of. 

New Years Eve is my breakthrough day and I celebrate it every year.  I’m counting down and hoping for the best.  

I’ll get there.  Just gotta remember to eat. 

2 weeks notice

Today is March 10, 2021. One year ago today I overheard a comment from a colleague that an announcement would come out tomorrow.  That announcement would be with regard to working remote for two weeks. The goal was to slow / stop spread of the coronavirus that had recently been declared a pandemic by the World Health Organization. 

It’s as though, in our hubris, we thought we could give a virus 2 weeks notice to vacate and it would listen. 

I knew we would not go back to the office after 2 weeks. I mentioned this notion to another colleague and she melted into tears. 

Because of course our will was more powerful than hard science. This was to be a very small and short lived inconvenience. There’s no way governments worldwide would shutdown and that some industries would collapse. In modern times, of course beleaguered parents wouldn’t get into fistfights with strangers over toilet paper and cleaning supplies. 

But it hasn’t been short lived. One year later 2.5 million deaths worldwide have been attributed to this virus. Some smaller and more regimented countries shut down completely for a time (all much longer than a mere 2 weeks) and have contained viral spread. Others, like the U.S. put in some half-executed containment measures and have slowed spread, but not contained it. 

One year later, I still work remote. I was able to use the past year to adjust career course and I will continue working remote for the foreseeable future.

Dear 10-year-ago Me

You are adorable and you don't know it. Right now, the biggest thing on your mind is that you just quit your job and are starting law school. You’re feeling brave, but you have no confidence. 

What if I told you ...

Law school will literally kick your teeth in during 1L, but you’ll grow them back in 3L. You’re going to be called on the first day in multiple classes. Yes you may freak out. Ultimately, you will do and learn everything you need to be successful. As a bonus, you will become friends with some of these professors and student colleagues ... such that when life goes off the rails, they’ll be your first calls.

Your first job out of law school doesn’t exist yet, and you’ll be the first to have it. You will enjoy it - and the people you meet because of it - more than any other job you have (and possibly ever will). It will be hard. You’ll make decisions that impact others’ lives and livelihood every day. You will stay there 5 years, and be a part of Really Big Stuff because you love it that much. 

Within 2 years of graduation, you will be divorced. I know - that sounds crazy. But does it really? You’ll know the divorce is coming within 2 months from now. If you want to save yourself some misery, leave *the first time*. You’ll know what I mean when it happens.

Your closest friend group will changeover multiple times. M u l t i p l e  t i m e s. Let in the people who want to be in your space and who you enjoy. Leave the rest alone. 

Speaking of “alone.” You will spend a lot of time alone. As it turns out, you like it. 

At about the 10 year mark from now, your life will look and feel so different you will wonder who 10-year-ago you was. You’ll be proud of her courage, but smirk at her naïveté. Yes, dear me, you are naive and entirely too trusting. Be bold. Stop doubting yourself. Listen to those instincts. Also, it’s called ‘feeling a Pause’; pay attention to it.

Here’s to 1L! Give ‘em hell.

Back to School?

My most recent post describes the current state of global pandemic. It’s also, very unfortunately, a politically devisive topic. I don’t post about politically charged issues (often), and when I do it’s in the form of questions. 

Today’s topic: Protocols for Schools during Global Pandemic. 

We are nearing time for students everywhere to go back to school. If I were a parent (or a university student), here are questions I would be asking ... not to make a political point, but to know how to properly manage my own expectations and prepare.  These are not all of the questions that can be asked ... but even the answers to these top line questions seem far from reach. 

Are schools programmatically contact tracing all students, teachers, and admin? How? How often is the trace updated?
 
If a teacher or student tests positive for COVID-19 are they required to quarantine for 2-3 weeks? 

For the teacher, is sick leave covered, paid?

Will the parents of all of the students in the teacher or student’s class(es) (or school) be notified? How? What cadence will be used for proper notice and updates? What penalty is enforced if either too much or too little information is shared?

Do all of the contact traced students also quarantine for 14 days? Are they considered absent or are they given work at home?

Will all of the contact traced students be COVID tested? Who pays for those tests? Are the tests being performed at school? By whom?

What if someone who lives in the same house as a teacher or student tests positive? Same questions as above. 

In the case of a teacher, and the students are kept in school and have a substitute, is the substitute informed prior to accepting assignment as to why the teacher is out?

Substitutes teach in multiple schools. What if they, or a student they have taught, are diagnosed with COVID-19? Do all the kids in every school now have to quarantine and get tested?

What is this stress going to do to our teachers and students? How does it affect their health and well-being? How does it affect their ability to teach and learn? How does it affect education overall?

Do all of the contact traced students also quarantine for 14 days? Are they considered absent (excised?) or are they given work at home?

Will all of the contact traced students be COVID tested? Who pays for those tests? Are the tests being performed at school? By whom?

What if someone who lives in the same house as a teacher or student tests positive? Same questions as above. 

In the case of a teacher, and the students are kept in school and have a substitute / adjunct, is the substitute informed prior to accepting assignment as to why the teacher is out?

Substitutes teach in multiple schools. What if they, or a student they have taught, are diagnosed with COVID-19? Do all the kids in every school now have to quarantine and get tested?

What is this stress going to do to our teachers and students? How does it affect their health and well-being? How does it affect their ability to teach and learn? How does it affect education overall?

Disruptor

This post is for anyone to read, but I am writing it only as a contextual reminder for my own future reading: 

On December 31, 2019, a pneumonia of unknown cause was reported to the World Health Organization’s country office in Whuhan, China. On January 30, 2020, WHO declared the outbreak a public health emergency of international concern. On March 1, 2020, the U.S. President declared a national state of emergency. Each state has also declared a state of emergency and has issued varying levels of public safety and public health warnings and guidances.

Generally, from March to June (or further) ... Schools and libraries closed. Non-essential businesses (theme parks, department stores, movie theatres, hair & nail salons, etc) closed. Essential businesses (restaurants, liquor & grocery stores, gas stations, certain doctor offices) are open, with restrictions on hours and types of service. Residents are under order to stay home unless they are engaging in an essential activity. Each state differs on what counts, but in general they agree that grocery shopping and going to work (if to an essential business) is essential. 

Entertainment and travel industries have ground to a halt. Food service and hospitality business models have changed drastically. Unemployment in the U.S. jumped and the market tumbled, reversing years of growth. 

The Coronavirus, or COVID-19, has been and will likely persist as the most significant international disruptor for a generation. 

At the individual level, people are losing housing and businesses are closing because they cannot pay rent. Instead of flocking to big name cities for shiny new jobs, high school and college graduates are staying or returning to their hometowns to live with and/or support their families. Hospitals and mortuaries are overwhelmed with victims of the virus - some because of their direct contact with a carrier, others with the harm caused to or by themselves due to fear and anger. 

The first half of 2020 has certainly been a different experience than anyone in our lifetimes would have imagined. But our universal rallying cry, which I hope we keep, has been: We are all in this together.