Tiny bits of brave

A year ago my life seemed too big to handle, and someone told me that I am brave. Until then I had never thought of myself as brave. Contemplative and strategic, always. Scared and risk averse, ... Unfortunately, yes. But definitely not brave. It was the most lovely compliment I could imagine .. and I immediately rejected it.

But then I started to think about what it means to be brave. And I've thought about it a lot. 

Some say I am brave because I enjoy sky diving and roller coasters, public speaking and engaging in debates I may not win.

But I think bravery is much more consistent than the occasional terrifying activity. Also, it's much smaller and less visible. 

Bravery is truly tiny. Tiny daily decisions to face whatever unknown life may bring with quiet confidence. To accept that "past me" knew what she was doing when she set in motion whatever series of decisions led to where I am now. And to trust in "future me" to carry forward. 

The adrenaline inducing, hugely exciting moments are perhaps indicators of bravery, but a brave heart is quiet and steady, resolute but open, confidently still while hopeful and ready to move forward. 

Am I brave? Maybe. I hope so. I'm starting to think I am, or that I can be. And maybe that is enough - just enough - brave for today. 

Referring back: Relationships, deep or wide?

This is a first for me ... referring back to a post as though someone may actually have read it and then may read this.

At this stage in my life, I am evaluative (possibly overly so) of every relationship I have. I am careful with my time and even more careful with my heart. I've been broken and am still putting pieces together ... but while I do that, I am still a thinker and I've been thinking a lot about relationships.

In a post from 2011, I asked what builds or kills relationships. I posited that in today's modern society, time and distance are not super relevant to whether a relationship - of any kind - could work and be healthy. Since then I've had a lot of the good and bad of life happen, so I want to readdress the question.

First, I think that distance matters. Absolutely. It takes much more diligent effort to engage with someone who is far away or not in my immediate circle than with someone who is naturally "there."  Also, if loved ones are in a place unreached by modern technology, then yes, again, interaction is much more difficult and/or costly, therefore likely less frequent. 

But, some relationships are worth the effort. If a relationship, again, of any kind (familial, friendly, or romantic), is one that a person wants to keep - or even more, wants to grow or develop - the person will make the time, give the energy, create the space for that relationship to flourish. 

And if it's not, we don't. 

The question I posed in 2011 is still rattling around my head: what makes a person or relationship worth the effort? As I've thought about this ... Yes for four years, I come to the conclusion that I could have just said at the beginning: the criteria are different for everyone.

For me, what makes a relationship worth the effort is the connection with the other person - shared trust, mutuality, love, and respect. If I have real connection with someone, I don't care if they are near or far, I will find the time and space to relate with them in whatever capacity and to the level they are willing and we are both available. The hard part is identifying, before and while investing, where those shared levels of trust, mutuality, love, and respect are ... while also identifying what the other person's connection points are ... all while actually relating, not standing back analyzing what could be as opposed to what simply is.

Question Series: Hurt

Every so often, something that someone says or does hurts my feelings (I am sort of human, I do have feelings).  A "first response" when I feel emotionally slapped is to slap back - harder, so they learn a lesson.  This is all verbal, of course, not actual slapping ... but you know what I mean.  I am not opposed to confrontation - some say I seem to enjoy it - but I do "vet" myself before letting someone have it. Here is the series of questions I ask myself (and answer truthfully) before saying anything about my hurt to someone:

I.  Where does my hurt come from?

   A. From the person.

     1. Is s/he intentionally hurting me?

     2. Is s/he aware they are hurting me?

     3. Does s/he have other issues preventing an understanding of the depth of the hurt?

   B. From the person's actions separate from me.

     1. Is s/he intentionally hurting me?

     2. Is s/he aware they are hurting me?

     3. Candidly, does s/he have a legitimate reason for engaging in the conduct despite the fact that I am hurt?

II. What do I want to accomplish in confronting them?

   A.  Emotionally break him/her

   B.  Gain reconciliation him/her

     With either of these goals, you may need the support and guidance of a help group or professional.

III. Could confrontation rationally bring about that goal?

     Generally .. if "no," analysis ends, I reassess my goal, or I look for resources to get to my goal.

     If "yes," make a plan!  Leading to:

IV. What specific action can I take to meet my goal (which may include direct confrontation, or may not)?

"thinking" vs. "planning"

The greatest skill I have is to think.  The way I attack academic projects has been vastly altered by learning the difference between "thinking" and "planning."  I am writing today to talk about the freedom of life that comes with thinking vs. the detriment that comes from excessive planning.

I, like many people, am in the midst of life change.  Mine is primarily career-focused, but yours may be career, family, geography, or something else.  We want to attain those goals we set before ourselves ... but our forward motion is so incrementally slow that it feels like no movement at all (or, worse, backtracking), and we become frustrated.

I posit that this lack of forward movement could be the result of resting on the existence of "planning," rather than "thinking."

To "plan" carries a connotation that you have some way to predict, perhaps even determine, the circumstances you will face in the future.  Before anyone thinks I am anti-plan, let me say, I love a good plan.  I like to make plans, talk about them, critique, change, execute, and scrap them.  But, speaking only for myself, I do not have the kind of foreknowledge it takes to "plan" for everything ... or anything larger than a finite event.  To mitigate this, I have gone through periods of endless planning:  coming up with innumerable if/then "plans," many of which were no good for the situations I actually faced.  The concept of the "5 or 10 year plan" is especially endearing.  I am okay with "long term goals," but to call that a plan is overreaching.  Planning is based on a skill set - organization, scheduling, and budgeting are all aspects of "planning."  And, let's face it, not everyone is good at these things.

On the other hand, to "think" can include input from all aspects of myself (emotions, feelings, beliefs, etc.).  The vast majority of thought life revolves around thinking through problems, issues, etc. for the purpose of understanding and appreciating the finer details, more than organizing them into a different construct.  Thinking requires a different set of skills than planning:  patience and honesty top among them.  The good news is that people were made to think - all of us were.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have a "plan" before we do anything ... and because we lack (or think we lack) skills as "planners" we end up doing basically nothing.  Here is my challenge to you:  Think about those changes you want to make in your career, family, etc., then set about doing them.  I am not suggesting you attempt wild and odd activities for the sake of being active.  I am advocating for the idea that we can accomplish goals that are bigger than ourselves, and more important than we may ever know, simply by taking a step.  If your world doesn't fall apart after that one step, take another step.  Be thoughtful.  Engage with the world around you.  Don't borrow trouble, but take calculated risks when you need to ... And get out there, and DO.

Question Series: Morality

Recently I had a fantastic and very long conversation with a friend. In the midst of our hours (or days ...) of talking around, within, and about our chosen topic, she said that some action was "immoral." I am a thinker (and a bit of a skeptic), so I began rolling through a series of general questions about the concept of morality.  I posed these questions to her in an email - and here they are. 

1. When you ponder the morality of an activity, what parameters (rules) do you apply?
2. Where do those rules come from (all one source, or a synthesis of multiple sources)?
3. If an activity could be considered amoral (no ethical basis for action or inaction; or different sets of parameters could mean varying principles for "moral" or not), do you tend to label that activity "immoral" or "moral"?  (simply:  what is your default setting?)
4. Does "moral" = "right"; does "immoral" = "wrong"?  Examples of each?
5. Should "moral" activities be pursued with rigor?
6. Should "immoral" activities be avoided?
7. If an activity is immoral and if immoral action is "wrong," what could prompt the actor to continue in the activity?  (or, more simply, why engage in acts that are wrong?)
8. Who is responsible for determining whether an act is right or wrong?
9. If a person engages in immoral acts, or fails to engage in moral acts, should that person be liable only for the outcomes of the act, or should (or do) others have authority to attach a liability to the actor?
10. From where would such authority come?
11. What type of liability could that be?

Beside the fact that I need to get a life, and probably sleep more, I would love to hear any feedback.

meet you at the punch bowl

Have you ever been to a party where everyone else seems to know several people there, but you know only the person you came with, or the host of the event?  What an awkward time that is.  Oh, sure, you try to make conversation with people you meet at the punch bowl, but that rarely amounts to more than a name-exchange.  Then you're left, standing on the sidelines or hunched over your table, alone.

Why do I bring up these awkward, lonely moments?

Because I feel like I am perpetually in one.

18 months ago I stepped into a world I knew pitifully little about.  I met 80 classmates (a.k.a. "peers" or "rivals").  I became immersed in this world of law school, tracking days by what I needed to do before the ever elusive "tomorrow," reading and/or writing nearly constantly, taking increasingly brief breaks to eat or sleep.

At first, I felt alone in that world.  But everyone else there was just as alone as I was, so I had some solace in the indirect camaraderie.

Now; however, I feel lost in a different space.  I'll generalize it to "anywhere that is not related to law school."  That looks even worse in print than it sounded in my mind ... but let me explain.

At some point during my first year, the movement of time outside of my class schedule turned into a grey haze.  I have no idea what is on television each day, or what shows are on the air.  I read a couple fiction books last year, but I don't remember their plot, or most of the characters' names.  I happen to know it is an election year, but not much beyond that.  I imagine performers still come to my city and put on concerts, etc., but I don't know who, when, where, or why I would want to go.

While this ancillary knowledge has fallen by the wayside, I have attempted to maintain decent contact with the "real people" in my life.

I have a small list of family members and friends I make every attempt to talk with at least once a week.  But, this isn't ideal ... I am also "friends" with people who live within 15 minutes of my house with whom I may interact once in three months (if that).  I try to stay in the know on life events, interests, etc. of my closest family members; but I have several I could say little about beyond their name.  And I don't even know most of my in-laws' names ...

I often feel like the lonely person in a crowded room ... lonely because I am so focused on a single set of goals that I have little to offer anyone in the room, so I make only slight advances on their time and space.  And the room is crowded .. with bustling movement of everyone else tending to their lives.

I think, however, many of the other people bustling about the room feel the same way that I do.  Like me, they are standing on the sidelines or hunched over tables, busy about the business of life.  And, what is sad is that many, who are in the same space feel alone.

But, I will put this forward: We feel alone, not because we are, but because we are not interacting with each other.

The next time I meet someone at the proverbial punch bowl, I will offer more than a half-hearted nod and my name.  Maybe I won't walk away alone.  And, maybe, neither will they.

swimming upstream

I realized about two weeks ago that it had been nearly a month since my last post.  So, I went to my blog-name based URL ... and couldn't find the log in button.  Apparently, the good people who maintain Blogger's inner workings decided that everyone who has a Blogger page should simply go to Google.com (who happens to own Blogger...) to log in, then navigate to their blog.  It makes sense, but some information to that effect may have been useful.  As it was, I had enough mental bandwidth at that moment to identify the problem (that I was effectively ousted from my blog), but not its solution (log in to Google).  So, with that tidbit about my e-world adventures behind, I give you an update:

It's the time of the semester when study habits (or lack thereof) and outlines (original or purchased) are put to the test ... literally.  We are in the middle of final exam season.  Which, obviously, is a wonderful time to post on my blog!

This week one of my professors held a "last chance" discussion-style review for anyone in the class who wanted to chat with him about our exam (which is next week).  Of the 50-ish people in the class, 12 of us showed up for this discussion.  No lie, we are the biggest nerds in the course.  We had a reading period after classes ended, and yet we showed up to his office just to make sure we understand the finer points that could possibly arise on the final.

At the end of the review session, the prof gave us some excellent advice:  do something over the weekend to relax.  He said that his law school success was due in part to taking a time out before each exam to play Pinball. I don't think Pinball is my thing. But I like bowling a lot. I think I'll do that ...

long weekends and short weeks

Over last weekend (a "long" weekend with the nice holiday tucked in), I took a little bit of my otherwise pressurized time and did a few things that, for me, are out of the ordinary ... and here are some recaps, in no particular order ...
I watched local news.  If you're wondering what station, at what time, during which segments; don't.  I turned on my local news network at several different points over the weekend.  I wonder whether the "good" anchors were on vacation (since I don't know who the regulars are, I couldn't say).  But the people giving the daily news were, generally, awful.  One anchor cracked up laughing ... at nothing.  Or something she wouldn't share.  I guess important news stops over holiday weekends ... which begs the question:  what were these people doing on the air?  Laughing, I guess.

Next, I went shopping, or, shall I say "returning."  I went to a store for the express purpose of returning two items I had previously purchased.  Overall, it was a happy experience:  I gave back two shirts I did not want, and the cashier promised me my money back.  That second part is what took me by surprise.  On the day I went to the store and purchased my items, the money was immediately slurped from my sad debit account.  But, upon returning those very same items, I was informed that the funds would be returned to my account within three days.  Here is my suggestion to retailers: You will make more friends if you standardize your processes.  Option 1:  Take my money immediately upon purchase; and return my money immediately upon return.  Option 2:  If you want to keep "returned" money for three days, then consider letting me leave the store with my goods, then taking the funds from my account three days later.  My suggestion:  Option 1.

Lastly, reading.  Oh, wait; I do this all the time.  There was nothing different about last weekend's reading, other than it was for slightly fewer class periods (score!).  If you've read my blog in the past, you may have seen a post about Week 4 of the semester.  And, this week was it.  Take a look at that post to see my thoughts about that.

I hope your summer is wrapping up nicely; that your fall is healthily approaching or underway.

Cheers

destination: registration

Update:  This morning I registered for summer and fall courses.  I was able to put together semesters with combined required and elective courses that have preferable weekly and exam schedules.  Identifying my long term list of preferred courses prior to beginning registration helped; as I was able to swap courses and sections without worrying about whether I needed or wanted to take specific classes.

Decisions, decisions!  It is time to register for next year's classes. 
During the first year, we go to the classes the registrar puts us in.  Now we have choices!  At first, I was excited to have "more freedom" ... now, not so much.

I miss the days of "majors" where all but one class was required each semester ... and that one was an elective from a minor.  Easy!

Here are the "big" questions: 

• Do I stack my required courses at the front end and fill my last year with electives, or mix and match? 
• Also, do I choose a schedule based on a better weekly calendar, or better exams calendar?  (we're in law school now ... the exams are not held at the same time as classes - that would be too easy) 
• Finally, and this is key:  when I don't get the classes I want (which will be the case), do I take a few less credits, hoping for a more ideal schedule later, or simply take what I can get?

relationships: deep or wide?

Lately, I have been pondering relationships (of all kinds) - thinking through what makes relationships strong or deep and what limitations create weak relationships; how do long-lasting relationships remain through the changes in life and why are some relationships cut short?

Though it is harsh to say, I reject time and distance as relationship limiters.  Modern technologies allow for the free and instantaneous communication of ideas, emotions, plans, and desires.  The "pen pal" has long been a method of building and maintaining relationships of respect and shared interest.  To say that relationships are not convenient is a misstatement in a world where a GPS in a "smart phone" not only tracks which coffee shop a person frequents, but also sends communication to their mass of contacts saying they've "checked-in."

It is easy to blithely say "relationships come and go;" but this is untrue.  The affect is deep and long lasting when two people who once related (either in a friendship or a romance) no longer speak - or so  infrequently speak that any attempt is stilted.  Equally impactful is the happiness that comes with the realization that a friendship born of convenience transitions with change to a meaningful mutual sharing that transcends momentary status.

I have no expertise analyzing or commenting on relationships.  But I have a lot of them - of various strengths, durations, and premises.  I work at creating and maintaining them.  I mourn (pitifully so) when I realize a relationship I had is either more weak than I previously thought, or, worse, when a relationship I enjoyed the benefits of dies.

And so, I wonder - what makes relationships work?  What kills them?  How do we (primarily subconsciously, I guess) decide which relationships are worth building and which are not?

critical mass

Week 4   ...   This is that point in the semester when life as I know it looks bearable (managed, organized, productive) or more like a bear (untamed with little hope of control).  Week 4 is that time where the end is nowhere in sight, but the beginning is too far behind to look back.

This is the week when the class schedule I folded myself into last month becomes habit and standard study times take shape ... or, if they don't, they won't.

It's when the first signs of fatigue begin to show ... People take "sick" days.  More people are bringing in juice boxes instead of energy drinks (maybe a good idea at the outset??).  I know what day it is based on which classes I went to yesterday ... and if my last class was so long ago that I don't remember ... it must be Monday.

If you've ever taken on a large project at work, been in grad school, run a school fundraiser ... anything that felt bigger than you and everything you are, then you know what I'm talking about.

My colleagues and I are in Week 4.

What does your Week 4 feel like?