2019 and I

Near the end of every year, I have a time of personal self reflection and goal setting. It is a definitively honest time for my own self improvement and I love myself for it. As I’ve started to think and feel through this year, here are some highlights —

Tl; Dr - I’m doing well. Really. 

The year started with some unexpected workplace shifts. I had never left a job without another one lined up, but 2019 was the year I did. I had a month of downtime, then was picked up by a management consulting firm where I spent 3 months at 99% work travel. The schedule was packed and the work challenging, but the unexpected part was the level of emotional impact. 

Being completely alone was like living in a personal emotional incubator. Every piece of leftover emotional junk ... from my entire life ... came to the surface during endless hours in planes and cars. 

And, no surprise, I decided to address all of it. I called on advisors, confidants, and friends to sort through deep hurts and joys. Cherished friends and family made it their business to ask - sometimes pointedly - about sleep, food, exercise, etc. The utter exhaustion I felt at the end of that time is inexplicable, but I would never have explored and worked through so much except that I had that time and space to do so. 

I was just at the point of feeling that what I needed to learn during the transition phase had come into place when I was given a great next step. I got a message from a recruiter looking for a candidate who sounded an awful lot like me to take a position localized to my home base. Knowing the high pressure recruiters face to identify candidates (even if nothing more happens), I agreed to a conversation. It went ... way better than expected. I landed in super new job just in time for several pre-scheduled personal travel weekends. 

With all of that, the 6 months between May and November are a blur full of excellent memories. I’m glad to say potential burnout points were seen and handled to keep me from completely collapsing. 

One part of me that I like is that I push myself, but then then I give myself recovery space. The last 2 months of 2019 are *completely travel free* except for Thanksgiving with family and only 4 days at New Year. It will be a good time to reset my home life and reconnect with people. 

Of course, the result of being away more than home is that I’m still finding my way around this place I moved to last August. I am figuring out what kind and how much energy to give different groups. I have connected with individuals, but not to a particular set of people. Maybe that’s what a healthy adult life is. 

I am coming up to 5 years post-divorce and I’ve written a bit about that journey separately so I won’t rehash it here, but a new (big for me) thing this year is that I actually feel emotionally healthy enough for new relationship/connection. I will say that I am not fond of the small talk involved with dating strangers so I’m hoping for someone in similar life space, into similar things, and who thinks I’m cute. If I never have it, I’ll be okay, but now I am healthy enough to know I would be able to appreciate and enjoy it, and open enough to hope for it. For me, actually getting to this level of potential for hope is a big step.

So, yeah! There’s me in 2019 - at least the highlights. Thanks for reading!!!

Home

I’ve just come off an extra long holiday weekend ... during which I spent a lot of time at home. 

I thought about going on a road trip adventure. It would be fun! Explore a new place, meet new people. I even asked several friends for input on where I should go. But then, when it came time to make travel decisions, I didn’t want to leave. 

I have been on a hundred thousand miles of adventures over the past 4 years. At times I wanted to run away from my reality, and planning excursions was my constructed way to safely do so. I needed and enjoyed each one. In a sense, every time I gave myself freedom to explore, I was giving myself more space to live.

But this weekend, each suggestion of a new destination gave me less confidence that leaving is what I wanted to do.

Because at this moment of life, I am a quieter, contented, happy person who thought it may be equally nice to stay home .... then as I thought about being home and as the weekend unfolded, I realized staying here was the better option - not because my home is expertly appointed or a destination, but precisely because it’s not. 

My home is comfortable, cozy, and clean. It has some   cluttered corners and stuff on shelves that really should be donated. I’ve somehow managed to acquire too much furniture. I have pictures of favorite moments and people - some need to be updated or added. It’s the home I created for myself and that I come back to when I’m tired and done with everyone else. I can be happy or sad here without having to explain why. It’s the place that I feel safest and most at peace, and where I am most honest, vulnerable, and open.

I know I’ll run off on some grand adventure in the near future. But for now I’m glad I spent this weekend at home. 

In 2018, I ...

In August 2018, I moved from Jacksonville Florida to Knoxville Tennessee. Here’s how it happened. 

In 2017, I realized that I had journeyed as far as I could into healing from my divorce within the construct I was in. Years before, I had taken a job at the same place as him. We both thoroughly enjoyed our work. But two years post-, we were both still there. We were rarely required to interact, but we would regularly see each other. I also lived within 10 minutes of him.

I struggled to distance myself emotionally and intellectually from someone who, geographically was still there. In order to preserve my sense of security, I had secluded myself, and it wasn’t making me better.  I was sadly alone and utterly exhausted. Seeing that I would remain in constant cycles of sad unless I made drastic changes, I decided I would have to move - and that moving to another part of town or to a different job, or even doing both, was not enough.

So I set about making a plan. I made a list of several cities I had heard of or visited that seemed like places I may want to live.  I then narrowed that list based on research into culture, climate, and community. 

My top 10 cities, in no particular order at the time, became:

1. Knoxville, Tennessee
2. Raleigh, North Carolina
3. Dallas, Texas
4. Atlanta, Georgia
5. New Orleans, Louisiana
6. Washington, DC
7. New York City
8. Tampa, Florida
9. Charleston, South Carolina
10. Savannah, Georgia

In mid-2017, having pared my list to the top 7, now listed in order above, I spent a month road tripping to visit each one. During that trip, I let myself enjoy (or not) the energy wherever I was. I learned about myself and the cities I may move to. That trip narrowed the list to the top 3. I then spent several months asking questions, of many people I know and some I don’t, about their thoughts and experiences with each of my top picks. 

In early December 2017, I had decided that when I moved, Knoxville would become home. I set a general timeline of “sometime in the next couple years”. 

Then February 2018 happened. A series of events prompted me to acknowledge that I had already spent enough time evaluating, and the time was now to actually do. Long ago, I adopted the notion that I can do anything so long as there is a timer. Instead of running out the clock, run at it. My goal became that by August 17 I would no longer be in Jacksonville. So I set my timer, then ran at the clock. 

Thus began an incredibly full self-directed 5 month period. I made several trips to Knoxville (which was 550 miles away) to learn the area and apply for work. I found a new job that would agree to hire me upon my move. I hired a moving company and packed up my home. I wrote changeover documentation for my job and helped to hire my replacement.

On August 8, my furniture was loaded, and on August 10, I left my job of 5 years, and the state I have always lived. I started my new job on August 13. The lease on the apartment I now live in started August 17, and my furnishings arrived August 21. For 10 days I was a guest either in a hotel or some incredible friends’ home. For another 4 days, I slept on an air mattress in my new home.

I am writing this about 100 days later. Because that’s how long it takes to set up housekeeping and figure out new routines, learn a new job and a new city, and become comfortable enough to look backward and see landscape rather than plow relentlessly through checklists. I have started to make friends and have something that loosely resembles routine. I can drive to the places I regularly go without GPS. Today it snowed, which I watched comfortably from my living room window. 

2018 has been one of my favorite years in recent history. Not because it was easy, but because I decided to put myself in a better situation, and then I did.

Moving Day

It's an exciting day for me! After homesharing for virtually all of my adulthood, I am moving into my own place.

A lot can be said for home sharing. The idea that another person knows your comings and goings, whether and what you eat, whether and when you sleep. The past year was filled with highs and lows, for both my roommate and myself and we each became a constant for the other - a person who, at the end of each day or week, was there to talk or watch junk tv or go for a walk. I needed to have a bridge year and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I am extremely grateful for the hospitality and fairness of my roommate this past year. She is a good friend :)

But, for me, starting this new chapter is one that is in good timing. I'm ready to relearn how I work separate from another person's clock. I truly enjoy my own company and am now curious to know what I will fill my time with when there's nothing predetermined or already happening in the house. I want to see what my furniture looks like all on its own.

As I sit one last time in my favorite chair (which belongs to my roommate, so I'll have to buy myself one like it), wrapped in my favorite throw (which is mine so it's coming with me), I am humbled and excited by this new venture.

2015 year in review

At the beginning of 2015 the life I had known ended in what felt like a heap of smoldering ash. I was fairly certain that horrible beginning would be the big memory for the year.

But, thanks to my loving family - those related by blood and those not - and a dogged determination to define myself and my world, 2015 will instead be the year I look back to as the time I regained a love of life and rediscovered myself.

Here are 100 things I will remember from this year …

Reaffirming basic truths

1. I am lovable regardless of whether and how anyone else loves me
2. Health and happiness are closely related – and one generally follows the other
3. Living well requires doing the hard work of actually living
4. Acceptance is not an end, but a beginning

Experiencing amazing adventures

5. Sky diving on Valentines Day

6. Exploring the Florida Caverns

7. Pausing to listen to the rushing waters at Falling Waters State Park

8. 200+ steps down into Devils Millhopper Sinkhole

9. Riding along with a police officer

10. Scavenger hunts by day and night

Visiting beautiful and historic spaces

11. Ah-Nab-Awen Park in Grand Rapids, Michigan

12. Amelia Island Museum of History in Fernandina Beach, Florida 

13. Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales, Florida

14. Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana

15. The Carousel at Grand Rapids Public Museum in Grand Rapids, Michigan

16. Frank Lloyd Wright architecture of Florida Southern College

17. The Lightner Museum in St. Augustine, Florida

18. The Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC

19. Nathaniel Russell House in Charleston, South Carolina

20. Rosa Parks Circle in Grand Rapids, Michigan

Engaging with interesting and exciting places

21. Catty Shack Ranch

22. Drive in movie in Ocala, Florida

23. Harry Potter World at Universal Studios Orlando and Islands of Adventure

24. Market Square in Knoxville, Tennessee

25. Museum of Contemporary Art Jacksonville

26. Rocket park at Kennedy Space Center

27. Walt Disney World

28. The Beach at the National Building Museum in Washington DC

Professional development (doing my "day job", and ...)

29. Running debates for local elected officials

30. Supervising a statewide political poll

31. Celebrating milestones within my department and my company

32. Serving on the Board of Directors of a local non-profit 

33. Serving on the local Operations Advisory Council of a national non-profit

Attending concerts, shows, and movies

34. Book of Mormon

35. Hairspray

36. Inside Out

37. Jurassic World

38. Peanuts Movie

39. Postmodern Jukebox

40. Star Wars VII

41. The Martian

42. Train Wreck

Swing dancing at every opportunity

43. The Orlando Lindy Exchange

44. The Charleston Lindy Exchange

45. The Knoxville Lindy Exchange

46. City Girl Swing Out

47. Grand Rapids Original Swing Society

48. First Coast Blues and Lindy Society

Enjoying delicious food and beverage

49. Alligator

50. Beignets

51. Bourbon infused Oreo cookies

52. Butterbeer

53. Cauliflower chowder

54. Chicken Piccatta

55. Lobster, deep fried on a stick

56. Hummus and carrot sticks

57. Ice (not) cream

58. Not Your Father's Root Beer

59. Red beans and rice

60. Eggrolls, classic and modern

61. Eggs, prepared every way imaginable

62. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

63. Rice, fried with vegetables and chicken

64. Rigatoni Bolognese

65. Roast duck

66. Ropa Vieja

67. Shark kabobs

68. Shrimp etouffee

69. Sushi

70. Thin mint hot chocolate

71. Yellow curry chicken

72. Chicken tacos

Conversation with diverse acquaintances

73. An ambassador

74. A governor

75. A news anchor

76 A transvestite

77. A great grandmother

78. A carpenter

79. A picture framer

80. A Naval officer

81. A Marine

82. A Police Special Taskforce Squad

Soaking in moments in time

83. Morning walks
84. Late night talks

85. Trivia nights

86. Board game days

87. Dinner breaks

88. Sunday brunch
89. A surprise birthday
90. Quiet holidays

Accepting life as it comes
91. Saying hard goodbyes

92. Learning how to say hello 
93. Becoming friends with a roommate

94. Letting the past be a teacher rather than a dictator

95. Making, accepting, and declining invitations to dance or to coffee

96. Figuring out what to do when "the plan" is a blank slate and I didn't have any chalk (PS: the answer is "buy chalk")

97. Giving thoughtfulness, time, and energy to the people and purposes I care about

98. Setting realistic goals and celebrating the awesomeness of meeting them - and the freedom to change them

99. Letting go without lashing out

100. Loving myself

Cheers and Happy New Year

clipped wings

When a bird that usually flies is taken into captivity, for its own protection or as a pet, typically its wings are clipped so that it cannot fly away. The clipping doesn't necessarily hurt the bird, and eventually the wing feathers grow back to length so the bird can fly again.

I feel like a bird whose wings have been clipped. Part of what I do for life and fun is dance. I won't say I am a great dancer, but I truly love it and miss it when I can't do it.  Recently I sustained a minor, but real, injury that has kept me off the dance floor the past two weeks and will persist for another month.

The good news is that, like a bird's wings, my foot will heal and I will again be able to fly around the dance floor. Until then I will sit at the sides and enjoy watching the rest of the flock fly. 

Test Kitchen

I truly enjoy food - basically everything about food in general - and especially the notion of preparing food ... Cooking. I love the idea that a type of plant or animal can be prepared in such a way that it tastes like something else, or simply tastes like the best version of itself. I like that I can have seemingly endless options for tastes and textures by changing only a few inputs. I enjoy trying foods from cultures different from mine - most of my favorite flavors and dishes are Middle Eastern or European.

Recently I've embarked on a bit of an endeavor to change the types of food I eat. I have basically removed processed and commercially canned food from my diet while purposely adding in a focus on fresh, whole foods. I have also begun purposely avoiding sugar, alcohol, and caffeine. I have found I feel inordinately better when I make healthier food choices ... Which leads to a better mix of lifestyle choices as well. 

My friends are the beneficiaries - at least I hope they view themselves that way - of this new focus on healthy eating. As I have developed my ongoing list of new foods to try they are the sounding board, taste testers and food critics who help me know what plates to keep and which to toss. The test kitchen is open ... This is fun :)

quiet period

This blog has gone through periods of use and non-use. I maintained this writing space throughout my three years in law school, then set it aside during the 2 years that followed, during which Life in the Hoodie was my writing home.  Now picking up again, I hope you have enjoyed the read, and continue to. More to come.

long weekends and short weeks

Over last weekend (a "long" weekend with the nice holiday tucked in), I took a little bit of my otherwise pressurized time and did a few things that, for me, are out of the ordinary ... and here are some recaps, in no particular order ...
I watched local news.  If you're wondering what station, at what time, during which segments; don't.  I turned on my local news network at several different points over the weekend.  I wonder whether the "good" anchors were on vacation (since I don't know who the regulars are, I couldn't say).  But the people giving the daily news were, generally, awful.  One anchor cracked up laughing ... at nothing.  Or something she wouldn't share.  I guess important news stops over holiday weekends ... which begs the question:  what were these people doing on the air?  Laughing, I guess.

Next, I went shopping, or, shall I say "returning."  I went to a store for the express purpose of returning two items I had previously purchased.  Overall, it was a happy experience:  I gave back two shirts I did not want, and the cashier promised me my money back.  That second part is what took me by surprise.  On the day I went to the store and purchased my items, the money was immediately slurped from my sad debit account.  But, upon returning those very same items, I was informed that the funds would be returned to my account within three days.  Here is my suggestion to retailers: You will make more friends if you standardize your processes.  Option 1:  Take my money immediately upon purchase; and return my money immediately upon return.  Option 2:  If you want to keep "returned" money for three days, then consider letting me leave the store with my goods, then taking the funds from my account three days later.  My suggestion:  Option 1.

Lastly, reading.  Oh, wait; I do this all the time.  There was nothing different about last weekend's reading, other than it was for slightly fewer class periods (score!).  If you've read my blog in the past, you may have seen a post about Week 4 of the semester.  And, this week was it.  Take a look at that post to see my thoughts about that.

I hope your summer is wrapping up nicely; that your fall is healthily approaching or underway.

Cheers

fireworks and furniture

Happy Independence Day!  This is an important time to remember our nation's history, and also to look forward to the goals and dreams ahead.  In addition to taking some time to reflect on the deep and lasting issues that come to the fore today, I am intrigued by our nation's response to this holiday for several reasons:

First, it is the only national holiday that Americans refer to by its date:  "Happy 4th of July!"  Never do we say "Happy 1st of January,"  Happy Fourth Thursday of November," or "Happy December 25."  Why do so many refer to this holiday only by its date?  Is it because it is one of few U.S. holidays that falls on the same date every year?  Or perhaps because we spend so much time concerned over our calendar, it is enough for us to remember that today is a holiday ... and we don't get far enough to remember what the day commemorates?

Second, stores run sales for no apparent reason.  I understand why there may be sales near Fathers Day and Christmas.  People give and, more importantly, receive gifts in conjunction with these days, so of course people who sell goods would spend more energy trying to ensure that the gifts purchased come from their stores.  But, store sales because it's Independence Day (or, as they advertise it:  because it's July 4th)?  Especially the furniture stores ... How does the founding of a nation coincide in any way with buying new bedroom or living room set??

Third, and perhaps most important:  There are fireworks.  I cannot begin to explain the childish glee I have when fireworks are overhead.  Now, I need to make a distinction.  I love a good (or even mediocre) fireworks show, mostly for the colors, but also because I appreciate the care and preparation to create the show.  I am not such a fan of sparklers, poppers, etc., which are handed to young children, who are too scared, or not scared enough, to use them without hurting themselves or someone else.  But I do love the fireworks.

I hope you enjoyed a restful or exciting, but overall happy, day this July 4.

summer love

We're halfway through summer.  While my initial plan included taking 7 hours for credit (yikes!), my world collided headlong with those of registration and financial aid, resulting in taking no classes over June and July.

Only someone with a penchant for self-inflicted misery would be unhappy about an unexpected summer break.  While I was somewhat akimbo for a little while, I have regrouped and am happily enjoying the few short weeks remaining until fall term begins.

This summer, I've taken on a few fun (or simply needed) projects at home, including:

• Reorganizing.  I outfitted an office last year, but I now have space that is clearly for writing/research and a separate (slightly more comfortable) space for reading.
• Cleaning.  Early on my 1L year, I recognized that part of the "give and take" of law school is that it takes all of your time and energy, except the small portion you aggressively take back.  Somehow, in the midst of this time tug-of-war, my windowsills, ceiling fans, and door jams were lost in the crossfire.  They have now been reclaimed.
• Learning.  A good rule of thumb is to learn one new thing every day.  I'm not certain I've achieved that, or anything an 8th grader couldn't have; however, I have spent some quality time learning how to use my kitchen this summer.  I am now at least "proficient" at sauteing, boiling, or baking a wide range of foods.  Never again will I serve raw chicken or too-soft pasta.  And, if you know me, this is quite the accomplishment ...

 So, have you had a good summer?  Only a few weeks left, so enjoy it while you can!