2019 and I

Near the end of every year, I have a time of personal self reflection and goal setting. It is a definitively honest time for my own self improvement and I love myself for it. As I’ve started to think and feel through this year, here are some highlights —

Tl; Dr - I’m doing well. Really. 

The year started with some unexpected workplace shifts. I had never left a job without another one lined up, but 2019 was the year I did. I had a month of downtime, then was picked up by a management consulting firm where I spent 3 months at 99% work travel. The schedule was packed and the work challenging, but the unexpected part was the level of emotional impact. 

Being completely alone was like living in a personal emotional incubator. Every piece of leftover emotional junk ... from my entire life ... came to the surface during endless hours in planes and cars. 

And, no surprise, I decided to address all of it. I called on advisors, confidants, and friends to sort through deep hurts and joys. Cherished friends and family made it their business to ask - sometimes pointedly - about sleep, food, exercise, etc. The utter exhaustion I felt at the end of that time is inexplicable, but I would never have explored and worked through so much except that I had that time and space to do so. 

I was just at the point of feeling that what I needed to learn during the transition phase had come into place when I was given a great next step. I got a message from a recruiter looking for a candidate who sounded an awful lot like me to take a position localized to my home base. Knowing the high pressure recruiters face to identify candidates (even if nothing more happens), I agreed to a conversation. It went ... way better than expected. I landed in super new job just in time for several pre-scheduled personal travel weekends. 

With all of that, the 6 months between May and November are a blur full of excellent memories. I’m glad to say potential burnout points were seen and handled to keep me from completely collapsing. 

One part of me that I like is that I push myself, but then then I give myself recovery space. The last 2 months of 2019 are *completely travel free* except for Thanksgiving with family and only 4 days at New Year. It will be a good time to reset my home life and reconnect with people. 

Of course, the result of being away more than home is that I’m still finding my way around this place I moved to last August. I am figuring out what kind and how much energy to give different groups. I have connected with individuals, but not to a particular set of people. Maybe that’s what a healthy adult life is. 

I am coming up to 5 years post-divorce and I’ve written a bit about that journey separately so I won’t rehash it here, but a new (big for me) thing this year is that I actually feel emotionally healthy enough for new relationship/connection. I will say that I am not fond of the small talk involved with dating strangers so I’m hoping for someone in similar life space, into similar things, and who thinks I’m cute. If I never have it, I’ll be okay, but now I am healthy enough to know I would be able to appreciate and enjoy it, and open enough to hope for it. For me, actually getting to this level of potential for hope is a big step.

So, yeah! There’s me in 2019 - at least the highlights. Thanks for reading!!!

Home

I’ve just come off an extra long holiday weekend ... during which I spent a lot of time at home. 

I thought about going on a road trip adventure. It would be fun! Explore a new place, meet new people. I even asked several friends for input on where I should go. But then, when it came time to make travel decisions, I didn’t want to leave. 

I have been on a hundred thousand miles of adventures over the past 4 years. At times I wanted to run away from my reality, and planning excursions was my constructed way to safely do so. I needed and enjoyed each one. In a sense, every time I gave myself freedom to explore, I was giving myself more space to live.

But this weekend, each suggestion of a new destination gave me less confidence that leaving is what I wanted to do.

Because at this moment of life, I am a quieter, contented, happy person who thought it may be equally nice to stay home .... then as I thought about being home and as the weekend unfolded, I realized staying here was the better option - not because my home is expertly appointed or a destination, but precisely because it’s not. 

My home is comfortable, cozy, and clean. It has some   cluttered corners and stuff on shelves that really should be donated. I’ve somehow managed to acquire too much furniture. I have pictures of favorite moments and people - some need to be updated or added. It’s the home I created for myself and that I come back to when I’m tired and done with everyone else. I can be happy or sad here without having to explain why. It’s the place that I feel safest and most at peace, and where I am most honest, vulnerable, and open.

I know I’ll run off on some grand adventure in the near future. But for now I’m glad I spent this weekend at home. 

In 2018, I ...

In August 2018, I moved from Jacksonville Florida to Knoxville Tennessee. Here’s how it happened. 

In 2017, I realized that I had journeyed as far as I could into healing from my divorce within the construct I was in. Years before, I had taken a job at the same place as him. We both thoroughly enjoyed our work. But two years post-, we were both still there. We were rarely required to interact, but we would regularly see each other. I also lived within 10 minutes of him.

I struggled to distance myself emotionally and intellectually from someone who, geographically was still there. In order to preserve my sense of security, I had secluded myself, and it wasn’t making me better.  I was sadly alone and utterly exhausted. Seeing that I would remain in constant cycles of sad unless I made drastic changes, I decided I would have to move - and that moving to another part of town or to a different job, or even doing both, was not enough.

So I set about making a plan. I made a list of several cities I had heard of or visited that seemed like places I may want to live.  I then narrowed that list based on research into culture, climate, and community. 

My top 10 cities, in no particular order at the time, became:

1. Knoxville, Tennessee
2. Raleigh, North Carolina
3. Dallas, Texas
4. Atlanta, Georgia
5. New Orleans, Louisiana
6. Washington, DC
7. New York City
8. Tampa, Florida
9. Charleston, South Carolina
10. Savannah, Georgia

In mid-2017, having pared my list to the top 7, now listed in order above, I spent a month road tripping to visit each one. During that trip, I let myself enjoy (or not) the energy wherever I was. I learned about myself and the cities I may move to. That trip narrowed the list to the top 3. I then spent several months asking questions, of many people I know and some I don’t, about their thoughts and experiences with each of my top picks. 

In early December 2017, I had decided that when I moved, Knoxville would become home. I set a general timeline of “sometime in the next couple years”. 

Then February 2018 happened. A series of events prompted me to acknowledge that I had already spent enough time evaluating, and the time was now to actually do. Long ago, I adopted the notion that I can do anything so long as there is a timer. Instead of running out the clock, run at it. My goal became that by August 17 I would no longer be in Jacksonville. So I set my timer, then ran at the clock. 

Thus began an incredibly full self-directed 5 month period. I made several trips to Knoxville (which was 550 miles away) to learn the area and apply for work. I found a new job that would agree to hire me upon my move. I hired a moving company and packed up my home. I wrote changeover documentation for my job and helped to hire my replacement.

On August 8, my furniture was loaded, and on August 10, I left my job of 5 years, and the state I have always lived. I started my new job on August 13. The lease on the apartment I now live in started August 17, and my furnishings arrived August 21. For 10 days I was a guest either in a hotel or some incredible friends’ home. For another 4 days, I slept on an air mattress in my new home.

I am writing this about 100 days later. Because that’s how long it takes to set up housekeeping and figure out new routines, learn a new job and a new city, and become comfortable enough to look backward and see landscape rather than plow relentlessly through checklists. I have started to make friends and have something that loosely resembles routine. I can drive to the places I regularly go without GPS. Today it snowed, which I watched comfortably from my living room window. 

2018 has been one of my favorite years in recent history. Not because it was easy, but because I decided to put myself in a better situation, and then I did.

the deep sad

He was an acquaintance and a friend. I met him six months ago and since then every month or two we would grab a bite or just swap silly memes. He was a military veteran, a devoted dog-owner, and a loving son, sibling, and uncle.

And he was sad. Not just any sad - the deep sad. The sad that someone carries around and that defines their world in ways people who don't have deep sad do not understand and often cannot recognize.

We often talked about the sad, and how he was doing. He was at war with the sad. He was still bargaining with it. He tried to be happy, or at least appear so. Sometimes he felt he was winning the war, other times, not.

We saw a movie last Friday night. It seemed something had changed ... as though he had accepted the sad - had decided that there was no way for him to be, except sad.

On Wednesday he ended his own life.

I do not have any platitude and I seek no sympathy. I just wanted to write about my friend and his deep sad.

oh, what a difference ...

Every year at this time, I do a bit of emotional self reflection. I have spent a bit of energy looking back at this year, as compared to the previous three.

2014 was bad - a series of truly awful situations and experiences. These are spoken about in previous posts and a linked blog in one of those posts. Suffice for here to say 2014 was a Cold War in my life and I didn't begin actively processing the happenings and grief until very late into the year.

In 2015, the most pronounced emotion I knew was sad. Pure sad. I gave myself good experiences to try to bring myself back, and so that when I remember, those memories come to the fore rather than the miserable pain. But at the very end of 2015, I learned some truths that upended emotional constructs I had built, and I basically had to start the healing process over. At first I was angry with myself for having built some of the forgiveness and peace I was able to find on false premises, but I had thankfully already learned to differentiate between the ethics of others' actions and my responses.

So 2016 was more processing ... in the midst of shockwaves as I realized more and more the depth of the injuries that caused my sad. In many ways, 2016 was harder than 2015, but I was working on myself, and that year didn't bring additional emotional pain.As I have now, oh so slowly, come through the grief of 2014-2016, I look back at this year: 2017.

In 2017 I have truly been happy - joyous, really. I still know sad, but I manage it. I also have a healthy appreciation for the goodness in my life. In 2017 I have made active choices to find my way rather than standing still and hoping life doesn't come beat me up anymore. And in 2017 I have been content to be where I am at this place in my journey, rather than wistfully hoping that I could make time move faster.

What a difference time can make. I regularly have said that I am looking forward to the path ahead. I am now at a point where I can look back a little way down the path traveled and see healthy good stuff. That's encouraging.

As 2017 wraps up, I will say this has been a good year and I am happy. I'm not making any sweeping statements about 2018. In the coming year I will continue to find happiness and peace, and to continue becoming more healthy.

Moving Day

It's an exciting day for me! After homesharing for virtually all of my adulthood, I am moving into my own place.

A lot can be said for home sharing. The idea that another person knows your comings and goings, whether and what you eat, whether and when you sleep. The past year was filled with highs and lows, for both my roommate and myself and we each became a constant for the other - a person who, at the end of each day or week, was there to talk or watch junk tv or go for a walk. I needed to have a bridge year and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I am extremely grateful for the hospitality and fairness of my roommate this past year. She is a good friend :)

But, for me, starting this new chapter is one that is in good timing. I'm ready to relearn how I work separate from another person's clock. I truly enjoy my own company and am now curious to know what I will fill my time with when there's nothing predetermined or already happening in the house. I want to see what my furniture looks like all on its own.

As I sit one last time in my favorite chair (which belongs to my roommate, so I'll have to buy myself one like it), wrapped in my favorite throw (which is mine so it's coming with me), I am humbled and excited by this new venture.

Tiny bits of brave

A year ago my life seemed too big to handle, and someone told me that I am brave. Until then I had never thought of myself as brave. Contemplative and strategic, always. Scared and risk averse, ... Unfortunately, yes. But definitely not brave. It was the most lovely compliment I could imagine .. and I immediately rejected it.

But then I started to think about what it means to be brave. And I've thought about it a lot. 

Some say I am brave because I enjoy sky diving and roller coasters, public speaking and engaging in debates I may not win.

But I think bravery is much more consistent than the occasional terrifying activity. Also, it's much smaller and less visible. 

Bravery is truly tiny. Tiny daily decisions to face whatever unknown life may bring with quiet confidence. To accept that "past me" knew what she was doing when she set in motion whatever series of decisions led to where I am now. And to trust in "future me" to carry forward. 

The adrenaline inducing, hugely exciting moments are perhaps indicators of bravery, but a brave heart is quiet and steady, resolute but open, confidently still while hopeful and ready to move forward. 

Am I brave? Maybe. I hope so. I'm starting to think I am, or that I can be. And maybe that is enough - just enough - brave for today. 

2015 year in review

At the beginning of 2015 the life I had known ended in what felt like a heap of smoldering ash. I was fairly certain that horrible beginning would be the big memory for the year.

But, thanks to my loving family - those related by blood and those not - and a dogged determination to define myself and my world, 2015 will instead be the year I look back to as the time I regained a love of life and rediscovered myself.

Here are 100 things I will remember from this year …

Reaffirming basic truths

1. I am lovable regardless of whether and how anyone else loves me
2. Health and happiness are closely related – and one generally follows the other
3. Living well requires doing the hard work of actually living
4. Acceptance is not an end, but a beginning

Experiencing amazing adventures

5. Sky diving on Valentines Day

6. Exploring the Florida Caverns

7. Pausing to listen to the rushing waters at Falling Waters State Park

8. 200+ steps down into Devils Millhopper Sinkhole

9. Riding along with a police officer

10. Scavenger hunts by day and night

Visiting beautiful and historic spaces

11. Ah-Nab-Awen Park in Grand Rapids, Michigan

12. Amelia Island Museum of History in Fernandina Beach, Florida 

13. Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales, Florida

14. Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana

15. The Carousel at Grand Rapids Public Museum in Grand Rapids, Michigan

16. Frank Lloyd Wright architecture of Florida Southern College

17. The Lightner Museum in St. Augustine, Florida

18. The Lincoln Memorial in Washington DC

19. Nathaniel Russell House in Charleston, South Carolina

20. Rosa Parks Circle in Grand Rapids, Michigan

Engaging with interesting and exciting places

21. Catty Shack Ranch

22. Drive in movie in Ocala, Florida

23. Harry Potter World at Universal Studios Orlando and Islands of Adventure

24. Market Square in Knoxville, Tennessee

25. Museum of Contemporary Art Jacksonville

26. Rocket park at Kennedy Space Center

27. Walt Disney World

28. The Beach at the National Building Museum in Washington DC

Professional development (doing my "day job", and ...)

29. Running debates for local elected officials

30. Supervising a statewide political poll

31. Celebrating milestones within my department and my company

32. Serving on the Board of Directors of a local non-profit 

33. Serving on the local Operations Advisory Council of a national non-profit

Attending concerts, shows, and movies

34. Book of Mormon

35. Hairspray

36. Inside Out

37. Jurassic World

38. Peanuts Movie

39. Postmodern Jukebox

40. Star Wars VII

41. The Martian

42. Train Wreck

Swing dancing at every opportunity

43. The Orlando Lindy Exchange

44. The Charleston Lindy Exchange

45. The Knoxville Lindy Exchange

46. City Girl Swing Out

47. Grand Rapids Original Swing Society

48. First Coast Blues and Lindy Society

Enjoying delicious food and beverage

49. Alligator

50. Beignets

51. Bourbon infused Oreo cookies

52. Butterbeer

53. Cauliflower chowder

54. Chicken Piccatta

55. Lobster, deep fried on a stick

56. Hummus and carrot sticks

57. Ice (not) cream

58. Not Your Father's Root Beer

59. Red beans and rice

60. Eggrolls, classic and modern

61. Eggs, prepared every way imaginable

62. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

63. Rice, fried with vegetables and chicken

64. Rigatoni Bolognese

65. Roast duck

66. Ropa Vieja

67. Shark kabobs

68. Shrimp etouffee

69. Sushi

70. Thin mint hot chocolate

71. Yellow curry chicken

72. Chicken tacos

Conversation with diverse acquaintances

73. An ambassador

74. A governor

75. A news anchor

76 A transvestite

77. A great grandmother

78. A carpenter

79. A picture framer

80. A Naval officer

81. A Marine

82. A Police Special Taskforce Squad

Soaking in moments in time

83. Morning walks
84. Late night talks

85. Trivia nights

86. Board game days

87. Dinner breaks

88. Sunday brunch
89. A surprise birthday
90. Quiet holidays

Accepting life as it comes
91. Saying hard goodbyes

92. Learning how to say hello 
93. Becoming friends with a roommate

94. Letting the past be a teacher rather than a dictator

95. Making, accepting, and declining invitations to dance or to coffee

96. Figuring out what to do when "the plan" is a blank slate and I didn't have any chalk (PS: the answer is "buy chalk")

97. Giving thoughtfulness, time, and energy to the people and purposes I care about

98. Setting realistic goals and celebrating the awesomeness of meeting them - and the freedom to change them

99. Letting go without lashing out

100. Loving myself

Cheers and Happy New Year

Referring back: Relationships, deep or wide?

This is a first for me ... referring back to a post as though someone may actually have read it and then may read this.

At this stage in my life, I am evaluative (possibly overly so) of every relationship I have. I am careful with my time and even more careful with my heart. I've been broken and am still putting pieces together ... but while I do that, I am still a thinker and I've been thinking a lot about relationships.

In a post from 2011, I asked what builds or kills relationships. I posited that in today's modern society, time and distance are not super relevant to whether a relationship - of any kind - could work and be healthy. Since then I've had a lot of the good and bad of life happen, so I want to readdress the question.

First, I think that distance matters. Absolutely. It takes much more diligent effort to engage with someone who is far away or not in my immediate circle than with someone who is naturally "there."  Also, if loved ones are in a place unreached by modern technology, then yes, again, interaction is much more difficult and/or costly, therefore likely less frequent. 

But, some relationships are worth the effort. If a relationship, again, of any kind (familial, friendly, or romantic), is one that a person wants to keep - or even more, wants to grow or develop - the person will make the time, give the energy, create the space for that relationship to flourish. 

And if it's not, we don't. 

The question I posed in 2011 is still rattling around my head: what makes a person or relationship worth the effort? As I've thought about this ... Yes for four years, I come to the conclusion that I could have just said at the beginning: the criteria are different for everyone.

For me, what makes a relationship worth the effort is the connection with the other person - shared trust, mutuality, love, and respect. If I have real connection with someone, I don't care if they are near or far, I will find the time and space to relate with them in whatever capacity and to the level they are willing and we are both available. The hard part is identifying, before and while investing, where those shared levels of trust, mutuality, love, and respect are ... while also identifying what the other person's connection points are ... all while actually relating, not standing back analyzing what could be as opposed to what simply is.

clipped wings

When a bird that usually flies is taken into captivity, for its own protection or as a pet, typically its wings are clipped so that it cannot fly away. The clipping doesn't necessarily hurt the bird, and eventually the wing feathers grow back to length so the bird can fly again.

I feel like a bird whose wings have been clipped. Part of what I do for life and fun is dance. I won't say I am a great dancer, but I truly love it and miss it when I can't do it.  Recently I sustained a minor, but real, injury that has kept me off the dance floor the past two weeks and will persist for another month.

The good news is that, like a bird's wings, my foot will heal and I will again be able to fly around the dance floor. Until then I will sit at the sides and enjoy watching the rest of the flock fly. 

Not a victim

This year I have become sensitive to the notion of victimization. I was listening to a morning news talk show the other day and heard the anchor/host describe a group of people who have been affected by some negative circumstance. I don't recall what the circumstance was, but what I noticed is that the anchor referred to these individuals as 'victims'. The thought I had in that instant was "these are not victims, these are survivors."

Instances of "victim" classification like this have struck me as devaluing the human capacity to survive and thrive in difficult circumstances and through challenging experiences. I would love to empower my friends, family, and society to cling to the notion that the label of "victim" fails to account for three basic truths: first, things happen; second, those things that happen don't define you; third, you define you.

Things happen. People experience them. People have both physical and emotional responses to those things. Sometimes people act heinously at and upon each other. This is deplorable and I empathize with people who have endured much at the hands of others. However, here is my perspective on this ... Whether it is a personal matter like a car breaking down, illness or abuse, or a community or even national matter like corporate shift or acts of terror, these things are not directed at the core human being who is me - or anyone else. They may be acts by another person or by the laws of physics that I happened to be in the way of. Or they may be intended to manipulate someone physically removed from the situation. It is often difficult to figure out why a certain chain of events occurred, or what a person's motives may have been in harming another, but I want to start by acknowledging that horribly painful things do happen. 

The part that is more difficult to accept is that those painful things that happen do not define me. I have heard it said that someone was a victim of their circumstance. This can be sort of true ... the position that someone is in may be nigh unchangeable from a logistics, power, relational, or personal perspective. But I am struck by the level of non-choice that comes with the "victim" mindset.  Comments like "x happened to her," or "He can't help y behavior" feed a wrong understanding of how much we, as people, have both power and responsibility for our paths. To be defined as a 'victim' of any circumstance is to declare the person as having no rightful place or power in the situation which, if extrapolated out, speaks to a lack of power overall. 

But, as people, we have all kinds of power to define ourselves. It take real work, but it is worth it. It requires understanding and accepting myself and knowing my potential. When I choose to evaluate myself and my societal contribution, when I actively look for ways to repay evil for good, when I give my feelings healthy stimuli and outlets ... these are ways I choose my definition. When I see myself responding poorly to a situation and I proactively either remove myself or change my thinking, I am defining myself. I posit that every person and community has both the privilege and responsibility to define itself. We are not victims of circumstance or others' deplorable actions. We are survivors, individuals, and people whose definition is our own.

Test Kitchen

I truly enjoy food - basically everything about food in general - and especially the notion of preparing food ... Cooking. I love the idea that a type of plant or animal can be prepared in such a way that it tastes like something else, or simply tastes like the best version of itself. I like that I can have seemingly endless options for tastes and textures by changing only a few inputs. I enjoy trying foods from cultures different from mine - most of my favorite flavors and dishes are Middle Eastern or European.

Recently I've embarked on a bit of an endeavor to change the types of food I eat. I have basically removed processed and commercially canned food from my diet while purposely adding in a focus on fresh, whole foods. I have also begun purposely avoiding sugar, alcohol, and caffeine. I have found I feel inordinately better when I make healthier food choices ... Which leads to a better mix of lifestyle choices as well. 

My friends are the beneficiaries - at least I hope they view themselves that way - of this new focus on healthy eating. As I have developed my ongoing list of new foods to try they are the sounding board, taste testers and food critics who help me know what plates to keep and which to toss. The test kitchen is open ... This is fun :)

quiet period

This blog has gone through periods of use and non-use. I maintained this writing space throughout my three years in law school, then set it aside during the 2 years that followed, during which Life in the Hoodie was my writing home.  Now picking up again, I hope you have enjoyed the read, and continue to. More to come.

a look back

My time in law school has come to an end. I was mentored by and became friends with some of the best people I will ever know. I am thankful for the learning opportunities through internships, clerkships, and volunteer activities that spurred me on to learn as much as I could.  Also, I cannot say enough about my professors and advisers for their relentless dedication to diligent representation of their clients and the learning environment they created for me and my classmates.  I have the utmost respect for them. The basic truth - law school is hard. It is unlike any other singular life experience that I can imagine. It stretched and molded me in ways - good and bad - that will stay with me for the rest of my life. In addition to learning the law, I learned some important truths, which I share now with you:

• It takes time to create big messes, and it takes time to resolve those messes.
• Sometimes "wait" is the best response.
• Attack big problems by breaking them into manageable pieces.
• Be honest with yourself, and everyone else.
• When anyone else is speaking, be quiet and listen.
• Read the instructions.
• Motives do matter.  Question them.
• No one - and especially judges - will care what you think until they know that your opinion matters.
• Don't burn bridges.  Even the ones you think you will never cross again.
• Never lie.  It's not worth it.
• Work hard.  If your job seems "easy," you're probably missing an opportunity to do something important.
• "Having" time and "making" time are two different things.
• Learn about your audience before deciding what it needs to hear.
• Be nice.
• Think ahead.
• Waiting until the "last minute" is rarely a good idea.
• Think before you speak.  Always.
• Few people care about what you did last night.  Or what you ate for lunch.
• Vision is good, but the details are what will kill you.
• Know the rules.  Cold.
• Be friendly to everyone.
• Know yourself.

Thank you for reading ... 

Question Series: Hurt

Every so often, something that someone says or does hurts my feelings (I am sort of human, I do have feelings).  A "first response" when I feel emotionally slapped is to slap back - harder, so they learn a lesson.  This is all verbal, of course, not actual slapping ... but you know what I mean.  I am not opposed to confrontation - some say I seem to enjoy it - but I do "vet" myself before letting someone have it. Here is the series of questions I ask myself (and answer truthfully) before saying anything about my hurt to someone:

I.  Where does my hurt come from?

   A. From the person.

     1. Is s/he intentionally hurting me?

     2. Is s/he aware they are hurting me?

     3. Does s/he have other issues preventing an understanding of the depth of the hurt?

   B. From the person's actions separate from me.

     1. Is s/he intentionally hurting me?

     2. Is s/he aware they are hurting me?

     3. Candidly, does s/he have a legitimate reason for engaging in the conduct despite the fact that I am hurt?

II. What do I want to accomplish in confronting them?

   A.  Emotionally break him/her

   B.  Gain reconciliation him/her

     With either of these goals, you may need the support and guidance of a help group or professional.

III. Could confrontation rationally bring about that goal?

     Generally .. if "no," analysis ends, I reassess my goal, or I look for resources to get to my goal.

     If "yes," make a plan!  Leading to:

IV. What specific action can I take to meet my goal (which may include direct confrontation, or may not)?

"thinking" vs. "planning"

The greatest skill I have is to think.  The way I attack academic projects has been vastly altered by learning the difference between "thinking" and "planning."  I am writing today to talk about the freedom of life that comes with thinking vs. the detriment that comes from excessive planning.

I, like many people, am in the midst of life change.  Mine is primarily career-focused, but yours may be career, family, geography, or something else.  We want to attain those goals we set before ourselves ... but our forward motion is so incrementally slow that it feels like no movement at all (or, worse, backtracking), and we become frustrated.

I posit that this lack of forward movement could be the result of resting on the existence of "planning," rather than "thinking."

To "plan" carries a connotation that you have some way to predict, perhaps even determine, the circumstances you will face in the future.  Before anyone thinks I am anti-plan, let me say, I love a good plan.  I like to make plans, talk about them, critique, change, execute, and scrap them.  But, speaking only for myself, I do not have the kind of foreknowledge it takes to "plan" for everything ... or anything larger than a finite event.  To mitigate this, I have gone through periods of endless planning:  coming up with innumerable if/then "plans," many of which were no good for the situations I actually faced.  The concept of the "5 or 10 year plan" is especially endearing.  I am okay with "long term goals," but to call that a plan is overreaching.  Planning is based on a skill set - organization, scheduling, and budgeting are all aspects of "planning."  And, let's face it, not everyone is good at these things.

On the other hand, to "think" can include input from all aspects of myself (emotions, feelings, beliefs, etc.).  The vast majority of thought life revolves around thinking through problems, issues, etc. for the purpose of understanding and appreciating the finer details, more than organizing them into a different construct.  Thinking requires a different set of skills than planning:  patience and honesty top among them.  The good news is that people were made to think - all of us were.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have a "plan" before we do anything ... and because we lack (or think we lack) skills as "planners" we end up doing basically nothing.  Here is my challenge to you:  Think about those changes you want to make in your career, family, etc., then set about doing them.  I am not suggesting you attempt wild and odd activities for the sake of being active.  I am advocating for the idea that we can accomplish goals that are bigger than ourselves, and more important than we may ever know, simply by taking a step.  If your world doesn't fall apart after that one step, take another step.  Be thoughtful.  Engage with the world around you.  Don't borrow trouble, but take calculated risks when you need to ... And get out there, and DO.

Question Series: Morality

Recently I had a fantastic and very long conversation with a friend. In the midst of our hours (or days ...) of talking around, within, and about our chosen topic, she said that some action was "immoral." I am a thinker (and a bit of a skeptic), so I began rolling through a series of general questions about the concept of morality.  I posed these questions to her in an email - and here they are. 

1. When you ponder the morality of an activity, what parameters (rules) do you apply?
2. Where do those rules come from (all one source, or a synthesis of multiple sources)?
3. If an activity could be considered amoral (no ethical basis for action or inaction; or different sets of parameters could mean varying principles for "moral" or not), do you tend to label that activity "immoral" or "moral"?  (simply:  what is your default setting?)
4. Does "moral" = "right"; does "immoral" = "wrong"?  Examples of each?
5. Should "moral" activities be pursued with rigor?
6. Should "immoral" activities be avoided?
7. If an activity is immoral and if immoral action is "wrong," what could prompt the actor to continue in the activity?  (or, more simply, why engage in acts that are wrong?)
8. Who is responsible for determining whether an act is right or wrong?
9. If a person engages in immoral acts, or fails to engage in moral acts, should that person be liable only for the outcomes of the act, or should (or do) others have authority to attach a liability to the actor?
10. From where would such authority come?
11. What type of liability could that be?

Beside the fact that I need to get a life, and probably sleep more, I would love to hear any feedback.