When people ask

As of this week, I have been single for four years. I’ve healed, learned a lot, reestablished myself, and found happy. All of which I desperately needed. 

Sometimes people ask whether or when I might find someone “new.” 

Of course I have dated in the past four years. I’m not a hermit. Occasionally I've been ghosted (always fun), but more often than not, after one or a few dates, I end it. Why? Because he’s “new” but not “better.” I am better now, and I don’t need more of the same as I had. 

I find that the best way to remind myself of beauty and truth is to face lies and manipulation head-on. For my own healing, and for the relatability of this whole experience, I have compiled a sampling of comments made by these “new” men. Some of them contradict each other because they were said by different men at different times. These are not kind, thoughtful, supportive words. They are rude, selfish, and obnoxious — thus the reason I’m not with any of the men who said them. 

I think the theme is apparent, but for clarity: I will be with someone new when I find a man with whom I have mutual attraction (and trust, respect, etc) *who would never* say these things:

Re: image

“You’re not pretty enough to be so opinionated.”

“You should smile more.”

“You shouldn’t smile so wide. It shows all your teeth.”

“Do you wear boys shirts because you just don’t care?”

“Nobody wears dresses to go out, why not wear those cute little jeans that all girls wear.”

Re: intentions

“I am just here trying to get a piece.”

“Show more skin. Give me something to look at.”

“I know you just want to see my jewels.”

“I’m just looking for someone to meet my needs.”

Re: intelligence

“You’re intimidating, and not in the hot way.”

“You’re smart, but not super smart.”

“Why do you ask so many questions? Are you stupid?”

Re: interaction

“It’s cool when guys are sarcastic. When girls try to be, it’s just sad.”

“If you’re just going to be pedantic, I’m not talking to you anymore.”

“You’re like Hermione Granger, except it’s okay that she’s a b*tch because she’s hot.”

(on Friday) “If I invite you out, it’s a date and I’m buying.” (on Tuesday) “I invited you out, but today is Tuesday so this isn’t a date. It’s just dinner so you can buy your own.”

Re: independence

“You have ‘hobbies’? That’s weird.”

“You go out alone? That’s not right. You should wait until a man wants to take you because then it’ll be special.”

“I can’t go anymore; I'm sorry that means you’ll miss out.” (I went anyway, and had a grand time)

“If you can take care of yourself, how will I feel like a man?”

“Do you think guys want to be with a woman who doesn’t need us?”

“You shouldn’t have a job that makes more money than me.”

“You live alone? That’s expensive. How do you afford stuff?”

“You talk about your job like it matters.” (disdainful tone)