Every year at this time, I do a bit of emotional self reflection. I have spent a bit of energy looking back at this year, as compared to the previous three.
2014 was bad - a series of truly awful situations and experiences. These are spoken about in previous posts and a linked blog in one of those posts. Suffice for here to say 2014 was a Cold War in my life and I didn't begin actively processing the happenings and grief until very late into the year.
In 2015, the most pronounced emotion I knew was sad. Pure sad. I gave myself good experiences to try to bring myself back, and so that when I remember, those memories come to the fore rather than the miserable pain. But at the very end of 2015, I learned some truths that upended emotional constructs I had built, and I basically had to start the healing process over. At first I was angry with myself for having built some of the forgiveness and peace I was able to find on false premises, but I had thankfully already learned to differentiate between the ethics of others' actions and my responses.
So 2016 was more processing ... in the midst of shockwaves as I realized more and more the depth of the injuries that caused my sad. In many ways, 2016 was harder than 2015, but I was working on myself, and that year didn't bring additional emotional pain.As I have now, oh so slowly, come through the grief of 2014-2016, I look back at this year: 2017.
In 2017 I have truly been happy - joyous, really. I still know sad, but I manage it. I also have a healthy appreciation for the goodness in my life. In 2017 I have made active choices to find my way rather than standing still and hoping life doesn't come beat me up anymore. And in 2017 I have been content to be where I am at this place in my journey, rather than wistfully hoping that I could make time move faster.
What a difference time can make. I regularly have said that I am looking forward to the path ahead. I am now at a point where I can look back a little way down the path traveled and see healthy good stuff. That's encouraging.
As 2017 wraps up, I will say this has been a good year and I am happy. I'm not making any sweeping statements about 2018. In the coming year I will continue to find happiness and peace, and to continue becoming more healthy.
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